Rapunzel.

Right.  So.  Maybe Rapunzel being locked in the tower was a good idea.  It kept her away from having to feel and deal with certain things that everyone goes through.  It makes me envious of her and I wish I were in the tower instead.  I have short hair and there is no Prince Charming to go blind because of the witch’s curse for me to worry about and wait on.

For me, everyday is exactly the same.  Its the same routine; get up, eat (sometimes), shower, go next door, come back, get online, sit at my pc on my ass all day, neglect my house keeping duties, stay up late, rinse&repeat.

Sometimes great and good things happen and I am happy:  I got to talk to my brother for the first time since I saw him at Christmas.

Sometimes things happen out of the blue that drag me down into the hole:  I was linked to a disturbing video that makes me hate people all that much more.  There’s a reason I prefer the company of animals over a human.

Sometimes things happen and I’m not surprised when they do, they are often the bad ones:  My orange juice and my milk are both sour and I am back to having nothing to drink in the house.  The city water is hard water.

Sometimes things happen and I see them coming, but I don’t know how bad they really are…

Like this for instance…:

I’ve avoided MSN for the past few days as much as possible.  I had a feeling trouble was brewing from a silence involving some dumb cunt.  Under certain circumstances I did sign on.  I’ve even avoided Myspace for the same reason.  WELL!  Tonight after a somewhat decent day, THERE IS MATHIU!  ON MYSPACE.  After he signs off, and I hid from this mother fucker, I sign on MSN after about 20 minutes to check some messages.  BAM!  2 seconds after signing on, I GET A FUCKING MESSAGE FROM HIM!

Now this is probably the part where I go all boy crazy and mope and whine, NO!  THE MOTHER FUCKER IS SICK AND I AM WALLOWING IN THE FACT HE IS SUFFERING PROFUSELY!  He’s been awake for 3 days straight!  AND FUCKING LOOKS AWFUL!  TAKE THAT YOU MOTHER FUCKING CUNT!  POINT FOR ME!  (Don’t confuse this with me being happy, I’m entirely pissed and angry.  I hate being used and shit all over, but I can’t help but feel a cold hearted satisfaction when someone who deserves a slap from Karma gets one.)

Anyways.

Happiness is held dear to those that can feel it and seldom see it.  I have felt it only a handful of times in my lifetime, but its never been actually pure.  There’s a small taint the size of a pea or the size of the grand canyon casting a shadow upon it.  If the idea even crosses my mind of “Wow, this is a good day.” or “I’m happy today.  I’m going to get something done!”, shortly before something bad is about to happen, I can almost hear the cellos playing Jaws’ theme song.  Ignoring it doesn’t help either.

Its like I can’t really be happy.  Yes good things happen to me and I become happy because of them, but I always wind up seeing the negative doom on the horizon or the negative doom stabs me in the face.  I think one reason I do this is because I have grown accustomed to it happening and have accepted the fact that it won’t change any time soon.

Its an elusive concept I can’t grasp.