How bad God hates.

Last night I had some of the worst dreams possible.  I guess you would call them nightmares.

 

What happened was…

In the first dream, I was kissing a man.  He had a beard.  His arms were warm in the dream and I liked being there.  When he pulled away, it was my first ex.  I woke up screaming and covered in sweat and cried for a while.  I hate him.  He won’t go away.  Someone I know across the street is friends with him.  Its a burden I can’t get rid of.  We’ve been broken up for over a year.

Mom says to let people under your skin like that is to give them power over you.  She’s right, but I don’t know what to do about it.

 

The second dream…

I was standing at my kitchen sink washing dishes when I got a call on my cell.  I didn’t recognize the number.  Normally when I don’t recognize it, I let it go.  However, I answered this time.  It was my 2nd ex.  He wanted to get back together.  One of the things I fear happened.  I got back together with him.  I woke up and went and threw up.  My skin was cold and I was shaking uncontrollably.  I wanted to throw myself in front of a bus.

I went back to sleep after an hour.

 

The third dream wasn’t any better.

When I finally went back to sleep, I dreamed I married a man.  He moved into my house, the one I have now.  It was set up exactly the same… Almost.  All my things were taken down and boxed up.  I was moved into the pirate room, but I could not sleep on the spare bed.  I slept on the floor on a warm blanket and a pillow, I was only allowed one blanket.  He moved into my bed in the front room and moved his stuff in and scattered it around.  He took over my computer and my closet and my space.  He never once touched me because he was busy with easy whores and drunken buddies.  I cooked.  I cleaned.  I sewed.  I became what I feared most: weak, pathetic woman.  Then I woke up.

I sat there with my knees up to my chest and my face buried in a pillow.  I screamed bloody murder into it and cried some more.  Eventually I passed out.

 

The fourth dream.

I met a man that ran a store and I hung out with him, eventually dated him.  He tried to auction me off to some sort of monster.  I found myself locked in the basement of this flooded building.  I couldn’t escape since every exit was blocked with debris.  When the monster showed up, it attacked right away.  I fought back and I broke its neck.  I severed its head and I stomped it flat.  Then I went after the guy.  I slit his throat and left him to bleed out in the basement.

The relevance of this one is the monster.  It was a mix of the 4 pieces of shit rolled into one.  No matter what the meanings of the dream were, I woke up feeling extremely ill.  I have no idea what to do.