I must be fucking insane part II.

Because here’s an update of what I’ve gotten done…

 

 

 

 

(Don’t you like my bra?!)

I must be fucking insane…

My latest project:  falls.

Its hair extensions with a twist, quite literally!

This is what I have so far…

This is what you start out with.

Normal yarn.  This is 100% cotton.

 

 

 

 

 

This is how I braided it.  I left pieces in between the braids for texture.

 

 

 

 

 

This is how I looped it.  That 2nd holder is for the brown I have to work on.  If I do it correctly, the bottom with be the browns and the top will be the green and yellow and white.

 

 

 

 

 

This is stiffened with the glue.  Elmer’s Glue.

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is what I have with glue on it so far when I took this pic.  Now there’s more, I just gotta apply the glue.

 

(I look like an anime character.)

 

 

(You can also see my little hair piece thinger.)

 

 

 

 

This is the hair clip piece.  I had a small hair clip and a short piece that didn’t fit as a bracelet and I have a hair clip for the front.

 

 

 

 

 

I cut off the knot at the bottom.  The glue seems to hold nicely.

 

(I have no idea where I’m going to wear these. My mom would shit kittens if she found this.)

People suck.

I had to bitch out a mopey 30 year old man today.  On the fucking phone.  I slept from 10 pm to 3:30 pm and he called me and was like “You haven’t called.” I was just getting out of the shower and he got all huffy because I hadn’t called.  I was sick all last night and passed the fuck out for a good long time.

So. I cussed him for about 10 minutes and he still has no idea wtf he did wrong.  Not to his understanding, even though I told him about 80 times.

Apparently he’s like my first ex, jealous and clingy and thinks that everything I say to him is cold.

I really wish I had ice water running through my veins.  Then I would know to keep people at a distance.

Now I have to figure out what to do.  He’s a nice guy otherwise.

Fuck.

This is a fuck my life moment.

St. Patrick’s Day Part II.

Well.  The beginning is always the hardest part to start.

So I will start with an old story…

As you all know, last weekend my grandma was put in the hospital.  Sunday she was released.  She’s doing fine.  But the thing is what I tell you all next…

While we were waiting to hear from the doctors in the emergency room, my 40 year old over dramatic Aunt came and got us all.  She walked over, threw her hand in a circle without saying a word, and said that the whole family should come.  It was the longest walk of my life.  It was only 10 feet around a blind corner.  Then I saw my grandpa.  He was red-faced and teary eyed and sitting with his hands in his lap.  I have never seen him this way.  I felt my heart hit my feet and I nearly passed out.  I stood there and had an anxiety attack.

Turns out they ran my grandfather out of the emergency room because they had to resuscitate my grandma several times.  They were worried he was going to have a heart attack while they worked on her.  Margaret was just pissed she got tossed out of the room.

My grandma apparently died several times that night.  They had to resuscitate her at their house and feed her oxygen in the ambulance.   They had to do it again a few times at the hospital.  When they got her stabilized, they let family go see her.

Mom found this out over a call with Aunt Linda.  Aunt Linda had just gotten back from over there and felt the need to call Mom about that and about this…

Talking to my grandma is like talking to a child sometimes.  Lately she’s been wondering why we haven’t come to visit.  Margaret told Grandma that it was because Grandma called Mom a “Bitch”.  Which is entirely untrue.

Apparently on the same day Grandma got out of the hospital, Aunt Linda went and filled their medications.  When she went to Grandma and Grandpa’s, someone had went and gotten hamburgers and milkshakes.

Grandma did not “choke” on a pill.  She was butted in the place where the stomach meets the chest and it knocked the breath out of her.  What actually happened, I don’t know.  The doctors never told the rest of us.  Whomever was in the room when the emergency room doctor showed up told the doctor to tell Grandpa because he was her husband.  The woman that said that was Margaret we assume.

Margaret also states that my parents are lazy, snobbish, and sleep until 1 pm.  So, a fight might go down between Aunt Linda with Mom on her side and against Aunt Margaret.  If such a thing happens, chances are I will have video of it and I will post it here.

The reason all of this is mentioned because this Saturday is Grandma’s birthday.

St. Patrick’s Day.

WHAT A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!  I MEAN REALLY!  I’M IRISH! I SHOULD BE HAVING FUN!  BUT NO!

FUCKING MEN!  GOD DAMN BULLSHITTY MEN!!!

I HAVE TO DEAL WITH A 30 YEAR OLD THINKING EVERY TXT I SAY IS A FUCKING COLD DROP IN ANTARCTICA!  FUCK!  BITCHING BECAUSE I WOULDN’T FUCKING TALK TO HIM ABOUT SHIT OVER THE PHONE!  I ALREADY FUCKING TOLD HIM EVERYGODDAMNTHING THAT NEEDED TO BE SAID!  APPARENTLY FUCKING NOT SATISFACTORY ENOUGH!  I DON’T GIVE BLOW JOBS LIKE CANDY!  WHY DON’T PEOPLE GET THIS SHIT!?  FUCK ME FOR TRYING TO BE DIFFERENT!  APPARENTLY NO UNDERSTANDS WHAT TYPE OF PERSON I AM BECAUSE WE’RE ALL WHORES AROUND HERE NO MATTER WHAT!!

I GOT FUCKING ATTACKED BY A GOD DAMN HAWK!  I’VE HAD A HEADACHE ALL GOD DAMN DAY FROM IT AND A GOD DAMN WELT ON THE SIDE OF MY FUCKING HEAD FROM IT!  I COULD HAVE GOTTEN CLAWED TO SHIT AND HAD TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL FOR ALL SORTS OF FUCKING SHOTS!

WE WENT OUT AND GOT CHINESE AT MY FAVORITE FUCKING PLACE WE HAVEN’T BEEN TO SINCE BEFORE CHRISTMAS!  I DIDN’T ENJOY IT BECAUSE I’VE BEEN PUKING IT UP FOR THE PAST HOUR!

I GOT NO GOD DAMN SLEEP SINCE 4 PM YESTERDAY!

I GOT STABBED IN THE LEG BY A FUCKING RUSTED SCREWDRIVER!  IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GOD DAMN WOODS!

I HAVE AN OLD CREEPY BLACK MAN CONSTANTLY DRIVING PAST MY HOUSE AND WAVING AT ME AS HE LICKS HIS LIPS!

YEAH!  AND I’M BEING THE COLD HEARTED NASTY BITCH!?

FUCK!  FUCK ME GOING OUT AND DOING ANY GOD DAMN THING!  FUCK THE WHOLE GOD DAMN MESS!  I FUCKING HATE TECHNOLOGY AND PEOPLE!

News

That happened today…

 

The good news…

Grandma got to come home today.  She’ll be fine!!!!  She just has to stick to a low salt diet.  Unfortunately she and my grandpa aren’t getting their prescriptions filled like they should be.

The bullshit…

That fat whalephant I call “Aunt Margaret” was going to fix hotdogs and ham for dinner.  Her 2 kids, Hanna (20) and CJ (12) were eating those Mary Calendar tv dinners.  Don’t get me wrong, we eat them sometimes, but not every fucking night.  She says she takes care of things around there.  That’s bullshit or else they would be taking their damn medication.

Both of my cousins think you’re mixing Arsenic, Strict Nine, and White Oleander in front of them to feed them if you give them veggies.  If I ever have to take care of those two, I’m smacking the shit out of them and forcing them to eat their damn veggies.

 

The bad news…

The fucking neighbors are driving me fucking nuts.  Their damn kids are walking through our yards with bbguns and their fucking yard is always full of drunk ass men so I can’t go and stalk this flock of blue jays I have been keeping tabs on for so long with my camera.  I’m fucking raging pissed.

More bad news….

When I got up this morning after sleeping for 15 hours, I felt like a bus accident victim.  I was relaxed but my body hurt.  When I got pissed off over the whole neighbor thing, my body tensed and stopped hurting.  That’s probably really bad.

 

Some fucking awesome news…

I got to talk to the cops tonight!!!  Apparently a car that fits the description of Mom's was being looked for for something bad.

As I was walking out of my house to go next door for some cinnamon toast, two cop cars pulled up in front of the houses.  The white cop came to talk to me.  I met him halfway and he asked my name on the way.  He didn’t hear it the first time and I had to repeat myself.  Before he asked my age, he would look me in the face and eyes.  When I answered him, he kept looking away all shy and nervous.

This mother fucker was a Norse God.  Let me tell you.  He was 5'6 with a muscular stature, a square jaw, lovely blue eyes that would twinkle in the light, and blonde slightly spiked hair.  He couldn’t have looked any older than 30.  His voice was smooth and soft.  I would have taken a hit of mace from this man and not given a shit.

Apparently I was believable with my truthfulness that they didn’t come and ask my parents anything or search around the houses.

The other cop was looking in Mom’s car with his flashlight and felt the hood.  Apparently that helped verify my truths and they left.  I wished them luck.  They watched me walk to my parents’ house and walk inside.

Grandma.

The post before this one states my grandmother is in the hospital.  She has a light touch of pneumonia and she had a respiratory attack which caused her to choke, turn blue, and pass out.  She is fine.  It wasn’t a stroke or a heart attack.  She apparently fought the nurses and the doctors.  She might stay a couple days so they know she will be ok to go home and to watch her health and stuff.

I was so scared.  I didn’t want to go back into the ER area and look at her.  I felt like passing out when I saw Grandpa sitting in the waiting room red-faced and teary eyed.  When my over dramatic drama queen aunt came and got everyone, we thought they were taking us into a different room from the non-family and telling us the most dreaded news possible.

Last I heard she’s in ICU and they are looking for her a room.

Kayla is spending the night with me because her mom is staying at the hospital with everyone too.  She didn’t want to stay alone.

GOD DAMN BULLSHIT!

I am gonna kick myself in the face.  Total fucking bullshit.

I could have went and met a guy at Wal-Mart tonight and kicked it there for a couple of fucking hours.  BUT NO.  Everyone went batshit crazy at the suggestion because it was midnight and my cousin's car is leaking water.  ITS A TOTAL OF 5 MIN AWAY!  SERIOUSLY!!

I COULD HAVE HAD REAL FOOD TOO!!

The last time I actually ate a good meal was yesterday at 10:30 am.  Since then it was eggs with cheese on them (which is making me feel shitty right now) and chips and soft drinks.

BUT NO! WE COULDN'T DO SHIT!

My parents are still at the hospital with my aunts because of Grandma.  Its almost 3 am.  She's going to be ok.  Kayla and I were at the hospital since about 5 something and we left it at midnight, hungry and depressed.

FUCK!  IS RELAXATION A THING OF THE PAST!?

I am apparently chaotic evil.

I took 2 tests about what alliance I would be.  They both said chaotic evil.  The 3rd was a quiz and it said I was chaotic good, which shouldn’t exist in the first place.  It makes me feel special and feeds my ego and turns me on for some extremely odd reason.

I love it.

I also took a zombie survival quiz.  I got B’s across the board and an F for emotional because I will leave people to die apparently.  It said I would survive, but I’d probably die first since the hospital is right up the road.

 

The first alliance quiz said this:

28% Good, 72% Chaotic.

Plane of Existence: The Abyss, "Plane of Infinite Layers". Notable Inhabitants: Demons.

Examples of Chaotic-Evils (Ethically Chaotic, Morally Evil)
Sephiroth (FFVII)
Jack The Ripper
Baron Vladamir Harkonnen
Blackbeard the Pirate
Cruella DeVille
Khan Noonian Singh
Dr. Evil
The Joker
Professor Moriarty
Lord Voldemort

Actively opposes law, order, good, and all other sissy constraints on doing whatever he or she feels like doing. The stereotypical chaotic evil [person] is the black knight, roaming around on his own, looking for something nasty to do.

Will not necessarily keep their word
Would attack an unarmed foe
Will use poisons
Will not help those in need
Prefers to work alone
Responds poorly to higher authority
Distrustful of organizations
Self-preservation and personal gain are their ultimate goals.
Less inclined to long term planning.

Chaotic Evil "Demonic"
"Destroyer"

A chaotic evil [person] does whatever his greed, hatred, and lust for destruction drive him to do. If he is simply out for whatever he can get, he is ruthless and brutal. If he is committed to the spread of evil and chaos, he is even worse. Fortunately, his plans are haphazard, and any groups he joins or forms are poorly organized. Typically, chaotic evil people can be made to work together only by force, and their leader lasts only as long as he can thwart attempts to topple or assassinate him.
These [people] will commit any act to further their own ends. Chaotic evil is sometimes called "demonic" because demons are the epitome of chaotic evil.
Chaotic evil is power without control, selfishness unfettered by any law.

Cookies…

I play a game where you can give people cookies.  Each cookie has a fortune in it.  Check out what mine says…

“You eat a cookie.  It says: You will be surprised by a loud noise.”  WHERE WAS THAT ABOUT 2 HOURS AGO!?

Real life Ghost story.

Lately we’ve been having warm days.  Today was another such case, we also had rain.  When the rain cools, we get lovely fog.  I adore it since I live in front of woods, its like being on the moors.  I enjoy the macabre and creepiness such places visually share.  Little did I know I would be about to find out what else the fog holds.

At about 3:20 am, I heard a weird scratching on my bedroom window.  I was sitting in my living room watching a movie in the dark.  I grabbed some scissors incase the person got in before I could reach my bat and my sword.  As I approached the bedroom, the noise got louder.  It was coming from directly beside my bed.

When my shadow cast across the window from a light I turned on in the living room, the noise stopped mid scratch.  I went for my phone and texted my father’s messenger, hesitant to call.  While I debated it, I opened the front door.  Pogo was standing out there fluffed up and scared.  He made hardly a sound and practically climbed up the storm door.

When I did call, Dad scolded me for holding back but he joined me outside.  We were going to look around the bedroom window for human foot prints.  Then we heard the scratching.  We followed it to the back yards.  We stopped and listened.

It was coming from across the creek.  The dogs my neighbors have usually bark at anything and everything that goes by, even me in my kitchen.  We kept hearing the scratching and listened to how long and drawn out it was.  Then we heard the thump and the dogs started barking.

Pogo was silent, abnormally silent.  I think he could tell we were both intrigued by the noise and yet fearful of what it could be.  The birds that are usually awake during the daylight hours were twittering away at an odd speed, as if something unnerved them or woke them from their nests.

Then in the darkness and grey fog, something ran into the woods.  It didn’t sound human.

The Doctor is out.

Fix your own god damn messes.  There are so many people that sit there and ask for help and when its given, THEY DON’T FUCKING LISTEN TO IT AND THEN THEY DO THE SAME GOD DAMN SHIT OVER AND OVER AND OVER.  I’m not sorry, ITS REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING.  THE DOCTOR FUCKING QUITS!  FIX YOUR OWN GOD DAMN SHIT!

Also, if the above does not apply to you, the following might…

STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE WHAT I TELL YOU ABOUT IN PRIVACY.  FUCK.

Hel.

Is such a fascinating creature.  For those of you unfamiliar with Norse mythology, she is the ruler of her name sake.  She’s cruel and mean considering she’s the daughter of Loki and a giantess…A something…  She receives a portion of the dead, the bad ones.

Oh her punishments were ill devised and gloriously crafted that even I envy her skill at torture and torment and cruelty.  If you were sent there, you probably deserved it anyway.

She is said to be half living and half dead.  The half living part is of a beautiful face, very captivating and alluring.  The dead side is said to have matted skin hanging from the bones and tort muscles rotting in the open.  But some lore have it described as being skeletal.  Or the upper half is living and the lower half is skeletal.

She has my respect and if I met her, it would be on friendly terms.  I would bring her pieces of shit people for a conversation.  She is undoubtedly my favorite Goddess of Norse mythology.  (Thor is my favorite God, followed by Loki in a close second.)

Its been a while, hasn’t it?

I’m going crazy or I’m already there or some other some such shit.

Something out there is throwing bullshit at me by the buckets and I keep getting hit.

I’ve sat here trying to figure out what’s wrong with people.  A person contacts another person.  Talks to them for about 4 hours and some odd minutes.  Then.  NOTHING.  Its like being raped in the face or something.

WHY DO PEOPLE DO THAT SHIT!?  Whether its 4 hours or a few weeks!  After a while, NOTHING.  Even when the conversations are intellectual and passionate in the subject, it just SUDDENLY FUCKING STOPS.  I know people get busy, but its not even a “Sup.  Haven’t heard from you in a while.  Things are cool here.  What about you?” txt or message somewhere.  God!

Maybe its what’s wrong with me.  Maybe I’m too…blunt or tactless or something.

Also, I’m cleaning my house for people who don’t exist.  Yay.  Go me and my self pity.  I can’t even make coffee.  I put in too much milk so its coffee flavored milk.

Ah God damnit.

“Least I could do”

http://leasticoulddo.com/comic/20100102

And

http://leasticoulddo.com/comic/20091123

FUCKING FUNNY DUDE!

HOLY RUSTED METAL, BATMAN!

What the fuck is up with guys lately.  I mean for fucking real.  I don’t come off as a heinous bitch do I?  Don’t answer that.

What happened was…

I drove Dad to the comic store.  We got every week now so we get out of the house.  We get there and there’s a few guys in the place, nothing unusual.  I’m usually the only girl in there anyway.  Well, there’s this red headed guy, who I will now call Mr. Ginger from this point on, that I’ve seen in there a few times already.  He hangs around for a bit and has a convo with Dad and Jamie (the guy that works there).

I notice that on occasion he’ll look over at me.  I’m standing way out of the conversation zone and I keep staring at him too.  He has a southern drawl, but he seems to be very intelligent.  When they get to a genre of movies I watch, I join in.

He says that Rob Zombie’s House of a 1000 Corpses and Devil’s Rejects were great movies.  I stated "No.  They're a bunch of rednecks out in the middle of nowhere that kill people.  They did that with Texas Chainsaw."  He was like "It had Free Bird at the end of it! That makes it good!"  I said "No it doesn't.  It just means its a good enough song to survive over the decades."  Jamie said "That's a very valid and good argument."  Mr. Ginger seemed kind of shocked in a "Wow. I got told and it was polite. I commend you!"

He kept giving off an air about him.  Like he wanted to ask for my number, but Dad was standing around there and crap.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH GUYS!?  I MEAN SERIOUSLY!  IF YOU WANT A FUCKING NUMBER, ASK!  HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

Findmucks.

Ever get to that point where you expect things to happen and when they do, you feel slightly bad, slightly awkward, and just nod your head and go to bed?

Yeah…  Totally feeling that way right now.  Its a total mind fuck when it happens.  Its like a surreal moment of floating in bliss and being shot with a double barrel shot gun at the same time, but you’re still alive with the euphoric feeling with exhilaration and the painful misery of crap…  Like that makes any sense but the feeling doesn’t!

Often I wonder what it would be like to be totally insane with drugs to keep you entirely out of the real world and just meandering along in your own little world.

Being replaced sucks.

Being used sucks.

But I saw it all coming.  :P  I’m use to being jerked around apparently.  Obviously too use to it that I’ve started to act like its a normal thing.  That speaks highly of my character and it also speaks highly of the company I keep.  I need to fix a lot of shit and crack some skulls.

Hurray!  Fuck.

Because Graylan said so again.

I WANT TO DO THIS, DAMNIT!

 

http://mypaperheroes.blogspot.com/

The pier.

Ever stand at the end of that short pier when you want to take the long walk?  You stop at the end and stare over the edge with just your heels holding you onto the wood.  You stare down and look at everything that made you feel that way in the ripples of the water…

Heartache from being used.

Worry of loss of people you hold dear.

Loss of a job and fear of finding another as soon as possible.

Constant arguments with close friends.

Anger from deceit.

Lies leaving you questioning everyone.

Feeling alone in a crowded room.

All of these are reasonable reactions to many different things in your life.  To not feel the slightest negativity from them would mean you were crazy and were eligible for a padded room (or you had amazing drugs already).  But if you felt too much from them and didn’t pick which of them was the more important to face, you will easily drown when you take that last step.

As you feel the water come up over your head, you debate as your lungs start to burn if you should thrash through the water to the surface or just sink into the black abyss below.  Ever think in your head that maybe, JUST MAYBE, you could wake up tomorrow and a miracle could happen?  Many strange instances have happened to make it possible that a lot of your problems could fix themselves for the better by the time you wake up in your bed the next morning.

But what if you allow yourself to sink and open your mouth for a gasp of oxygen and get a mouth of water instead?  Would it ever cross your mind that maybe you would be leaving behind those who love you?  Those people who would drop anything and everything to help you out, hold you up when you fall and catch you before you do?  Ever think that maybe giving up would be the worse thing to happen to you no matter what the other problems entail?  Maybe you should take a little more thought and start pushing with your legs against the water and climbing with your arms.

Maybe you didn’t that last step to get in over your head.  Maybe you took one back and turned around to face the most important of problems, the one that would affect you the most no matter the other’s you face.  The one that could have a horrible outcome and leave you aching all over in many different ways.  Do you deal?  Or do you turn back around?

These are the things that make us human.  These are things we all go through, whether one at a time or all at once.  One thing can be faced at a time or else you will easily walk off that pier.  Take a deep breath and keep a level head.  That’s about all you can do sometimes.

Now the question is, Do you turn around or do you take another step?

Because Graylan said so.

This makes me lol to no end.  Enjoy it.  I do.

 

http://www.ginandcomics.com/

Mr. S.

WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL HAPPENS TO MAKE A LOT OF THIS SHIT POSSIBLE IN REAL LIFE!?  I MEAN REALLY!

Ok.  Here’s the deal…

Earlier I told Pinks about my dreams lately, except for the one about having Liam’s baby.  Before I even got sick, I’d been having dreams that I could remember having a blonde guy in them.  His face was square jawed, his eyes would change colors like mine, his voice I couldn’t describe other than sounding like violins, and his sideburns were a darker color than his blonde hair.  It would be he and I in different eras in time and in different situations.

She stated that it would possibly be someone I am going to meet in the future or something.  I can’t remember everything.

Well, a couple hours after the conversation, I got a txt from Myspace saying I had a message from someone we have dubbed Mr. S for Mr. Suspicious.

I looked at the message on my inbox on myspace and was speachless.  It said:  “I wanna be your man, is this a possibility?”  I look closer at his myspace pic.  He has sandy blonde hair with darker facial hair and light colored eyes like mine.

(I go to txt Bill to tell him to get online to tell him about the whole thing and BAM!  He pops up!  Saved me the trouble. :P)

So I was intrigued by this and we conversed back and forth on myspace for about half an hour or an hour.  He’s…interesting.  I kind of hope he adds me as a friend and we can talk more.

I did find out he’s 30, well within my age range!  Lets see what happens.  Time to play cautious.

Holy shit what a day.

And a morning.  Seriously.

I finally got SOME sleep.  I passed out last night at about 10 pm and woke up at 2:30 am to a dirty txt.  It was funny, made me laugh, and I stayed wide awake ever since.  That’s about 4.5 hours, maybe.

Well, after sitting around on my fat ass the rest of the night, I went and tried to lay down to get some more sleep.  WRONG.  I laid there.  Then I got a phone call from someone and wound up staying up until about 6 something talking to the person.  Then I finally managed to pass out at 7 something am.  I slept until 4 pm.  THE FUCKING DREAMS I HAD WERE BATSHIT CRAZY!

I dreamt that I was trying to bust out of this facility.  While I was in the facility in hiding, I wound up getting laid.  Normally that wouldn’t be a problem, but I wound up pregnant from that one lay.  (IN THE DREAM IT WAS MY FIRST. FUUUUUUUUH!)  When we made it out, me and the baby’s daddy got separated and later found each other.

A couple months later, he manages to track me down.  He’s met up with his family.  They’re all gypsies and are outside my house in the front yard and back yard and sides of the house.  They stay out of my house though, thank God.

The baby’s father turns out to be Liam.  For those of you who know Liam are probably screaming and/or face palming at this moment.  Sorry.  I haven’t recovered from it yet either and I’ve been awake for nearly 5 hours with other things in between.

 

Moving on…

I wound up driving again today and found myself going slow at red lights, pulling out in front of people and not doing the speed limit right away, and taking turns entirely too slow in traffic.  I even sat there when people kept pulling up on my bumper.  I didn’t care.  Apparently I’ve gone bipolar from over feeling things to not feeling much about anything at all.  I wish it would just stay with the 2nd option, it makes me feel better.

 

After we got back…

I saw Lil T trotting across my parents’ front yard with something brown in his mouth.  I chased him down and he put down the pile of brown feathers and left it.  I was called inside because Hawaii was under a Tsunami watch.  When I had the chance to go back, the bird had circlets on its feathers.  It wasn’t like one I had seen.  I went and got Dad and he got a flashlight and we both looked.  I used the shovel to roll it over.  It had a long bill, long legs, and naturally no tail (or at least not much of one).  I had never seen it before.  I wound up burying it because two rival tom cats fighting over an odd bird doesn’t sound good.

I put a cinderblock over the mound so animals wouldn’t dig it up and I wouldn’t have to rebury it.  The poor thing.

We later looked it up.  We think its this:

Driving while pissed.

Now that I’m not throwing up constantly or feeling like I’m going to die from having alien try and crawl out of my body, I can actually post a fucking blog.

I don’t know if anything has happened over the past couple days.  I really don’t care.  This is more of a bitching post than it is of anything else.

I CAN’T GET BEHIND THE WHEEL OF THE FUCKING CAR WITHOUT A GOD DAMN LECTURE OF SOME SORT!  I went to turn into our street and we had a fucking jeep Cherokee tailgating us so I took the turn a little fast and got bitched out for it.  I COULD SEE THE FUCKING DRIVER’S FACE IN GREAT DETAIL.  Even if I had stopped or slowed down just a bit, the fucking cunt probably WOULD HAVE STILL FUCKING HIT US!

I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING DRIVE ANYMORE IF I GET A FUCKING LECTURE EVERY GOD DAMN TIME I’M BEHIND THE WHEEL!  “You shouldn’t do this. You shouldn’t do that.”  I appreciate the advice, BUT HOLY FUCKING SHIT!  LOOK AT IT FROM MY POINT OF VIEW!  I HAVE NO INSURANCE!  NONE!  ONE CAR ACCIDENT, AND WHO FUCKING KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN!  Not to mention everyone in the god damn family is fucking jobless and Dad’s unemployment is the only god damn source of income.  LIKE WE CAN FUCKING AFFORD ANOTHER CAR!  EVEN IF ITS THE OTHER FUCKING DRIVER’S GOD DAMN FAULT HE FUCKING HIT US!  INSURANCE COMPANIES DON’T FUCKING PAY SHIT!

FUCK!

FUCK THE WHOLE THING!  I’m fucking tempted to “mysteriously” lose my permit.  FUCK THIS!

(I also got lectured about txting at a redlight.  Its a state law not to, but Dad went ape shit about it and ape shit about the fucking jeep.  I have PMS so bad and I feel like crying.)

Harry Belafonte and Nat King Cole

A Midnight Opera

This and “I Luv Halloween” are both mangas through TokyoPop.  They’re both fucking awesome.

 

Just to catch up…

Saturday I had a birthday party at a Baptist church for my cousin’s daughter’s first birthday.

We were all well behaved on my side of the family for once.  But the oldest of my cousin’s kids, Dawson, was pretty much man handled by his Uncle Frank (not related to me).  What happened was Dawson was running around like a 3 year old should.  He accidentally ran into another kid who is maybe about 2.  Well, “Uncle Fucker” jerked Dawson up from behind by his shoulders and shook him hard above his head and started bitching at him.  If the cunty fucking piece of shit wanker had been watching his kid, THAT WOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED!  I saw the whole thing.  I turned around when Dawson asked if the other boy was ok.  Dawson got scared and started crying in Frank’s fat face.  I had to leave before I handed someone my purse and it was about to be a throw down moment between me and fat lazy fatass.  Besides, the lionesses of the family were in there…  Mom shot him a dirty look and Aunt Margaret watched from a little ways away.  Mom broke it up, but I had the feeling that if she were going to throw down with the cunt, Aunt Linda and Aunt Margaret would have had her back.  “Uncle Fatty” wound up walking out of the place in a huff.  When he returned, he was all fucking pissed BECAUSE MOM WAS PISSED!  He has no idea who the fuck he’s messing with.  NO IDEA.  She beat on one of my uncles once, she would have no problems beating on someone else’s uncle because he was abusing a 3 year old.  If he does that shit in public, what happens when there’s no prying eyes or anyone to break it up?  Mom felt bad about it, but someone needed to defend the kid and her children are both adults.  We’d bail her out of jail and go kick “Uncle Fatass”’s ass again.

Also at the party, along with my hopes and wishes of “Uncle Fucktard” getting raped by someone’s truck or the ceiling caving in on just him and nearly killing him or him getting stabbed and beaten to near death by some randomly weird person, I said “Fuck” and “Shit” and stole the church’s green sharpie deliberately.

And that’s about it with me.

I Luv Halloween

Opinions requested.

I have lately come across a perplexing situation and I would like to know if any of you readers would like to offer an opinion on the matter.  So here goes…

Over the past few days I have noticed that I just don’t give a damn about anything anymore.  Yes I still love my family, my trustworthy friends, and I just absolutely adore Pogo, but everything else, I pretty much don’t give a good God damn about.

Here are a couple situations:

Yesterday we went grocery shopping.  While we were sitting a red light, a car that was beside of us rode up the wrong side of the street on a blind curb at a busy intersection.  The people around us were freaking out and Mom was hyperventilating and Dad was freaking out behind the wheel.  I just sat there calm and complacent and rather hoped a big fucking truck or a mac truck would hit him.  I stood the possibility of seeing someone get slaughtered and I didn’t care.

I was threatened to get stabbed by someone who I knew would do it.  I didn’t care.

I almost picked a fight with someone I hated and I was going to let her beat me to a pulp when I knew for a fact I could take her, but I didn’t care.

I have my cousin’s daughter’s first birthday party to go to tomorrow at a Baptist church, I don’t care.  I hate half the people there, but I don’t care.  I am going to enjoy her first birthday.  Everyone else, I don't care.

The perplexing part:

Normally I have bad self esteem.  I don’t agree with compliments and I prefer the dead serious “I HATE YOU, YOU FUCKING BITCH!” way of things because there is more meaning.  But I am finding myself to be more attractive and I don’t care about anyone’s compliments or criticisms or insults.  I wouldn’t exactly say that I am depressed because of what I just said, but its rather odd.

Also within the past week, whenever I get happy, sad, angry, or depressed, I have a problem with a heartburn.  Bad enough heartburn that Tums usually doesn’t stop it.  I’ve had to basically detach from the situation and continue on with whatever I was doing before it arose and then I don't care about it anymore.  Maybe I’ve finally snapped.  Should be an entertaining rest of my life if it stays this way!

So what do you think?

This amuses me.

My new bag.

Out of all the bags on clearance, I found the only one with skulls on it.  I just had to have it.  It was less than $6.

Holy mother fucking bullshit on a god damn shit sickle, Batman.

 

WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCKING SHIT IS GOING ON LATELY?!  I MEAN FOR REAL!  In one day!  ONE MOTHER FUCKING DAY!  (Well, more like the span of 9 hours…)

I hung out with Kayla today.  We wound up meeting with two guys she knows from the Fire Department (Where her mom was fucking the married fire chief…) and one of the guys was the fire chief’s son.  The fire chief’s son is called Trenton.  The other is Dakota.  Dakota has a mouth and wants to sleep with Kayla.  Trenton fucking stares at me like he’s undressing me with his eyes.  Little does he know I’d fucking smother him in his sleep and not give a gracious damn about it.

Trenton freaks me out when he stares like that.  He’s clever like a fox, sly like a demon, and cunning like a mother fucker.  I have an inclination that I’d probably wind up getting my face busted if it came to blows with him, but I’d have more damage done and could say my shit was in self defense as long as someone doesn’t record if I throw the first blow.

Dakota is an asshole.  He kept kneeing Kayla in the thighs and stomping her feet and pushing her all night.  When I would go after him, he would run off.  It wasn’t until we were at Books that I was able to stick my claws into his flesh.  He started picking on me about reading and calling me names and shit.  I was able to turn around and punch him once in the spine and once in the kidney and hopefully once in the back of the head.  Then I slipped off the curb in my fest of beating on him and twisted my ankle.  When I got back up, he threatened to cut me and I just licked my lips in a seductive manner and told him to bring it.  He’s now scared of me and I fucking love it.

(Last night I went and hung out with Kayla also.  She wound up getting stuck in the mud in my front yard.  She slung mud on me, but we went to the mall anyway.  There is a guy that works at the pizza place that really likes my bitch cousin Hanna.  When I heard, I couldn’t censor myself and said “Is that possible?!”  He looked at me like he was going tell on her and asked “Why isn’t it possible?”  I just waved it off.  For a bit I was worried that he would tell her and it would start a hot mess of trouble for no damn reason other than Hanna and her whalephant mother are nasty bitches.  Then I decided that he would have to tell Hanna that he likes her in order for the story to be told.)

After I came home and doctored my ankle, I sat at my computer.  I signed on.  Well!  I have heartburn caused by massive amounts of stress and indigestion.  On top of those fucks causing shit, I have internet shit to deal with.

One guy is being a perb and thinks I’m being an attention whore.  Gradually over the past few hours, he’s made it clear!

Another is being a cryptic son of a bitch and makes me feel like shit and doesn’t seem to give a God damn!  I’m a fucking person, not some fucking robot for abuse.

And another says he’ll do something but doesn’t, like a typical male.  So I sit and wait like a God damn retard.  (But I currently have heartburn so laying down would be bad.)

I have no problems with the general females that I am around, but Jesus Christ!  Its not the same with women!  I get along better with them than I do males and you figured it would be the other way around!

LIKE FUCK!

WHY!?

TO PUT THE CHERRY ON THE TOP!!!!!!

I sign onto youtube to surf around and look at videos and shit, obviously videos.  I had forgotten I subscribed to this skinny asshole’s feed.  Under my “Subscriptions”, there is a nice video waiting for me.  I click it out of curiosity to see what he’s bitching about and LOW AND BEHOLD!  THE 2ND EX IS SITTING THERE ON THE LEFT SIDE OF THE SCREEN!  He’s gained weight from not being in work, maybe he’s still jobless.  I FUCKING HOPE SO!  I hope he’s still doing weed and has gotten kicked out of his dad’s house because I’m mean!  I HOPE HE FUCKING HAS VD OR SOME RANCID STD HE CAN’T GET RID OF.  HE’S LIKE MY FUCKING PLAGUE!  I CAN’T FUCKING GET RID OF HIM!  JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!

Here’s the video:

Vincent Price

Is and always shall be fucking bad ass and awesome.

 

 

 

Jesus.

I just shit all over a lot of people when I don’t mean to.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

I hate the holiday in general.

But.

(This made me lol.)

Love you guys!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Who can you trust if you can’t trust anyone?

A friend popped up after a long hiatus online.  He and I spoke for a little while and talked about a few things.  A few things I brought up that I was bitter about and I wanted to know the truth.  His repulsed reaction to a certain…rumor made me realize that once again I was used as well as the person that informed me.  So the rumor has been downcast unless he was drunk when it happened, which would explain why he’s probably quitting.

I’ve entered a fun adult relationship with someone recently.  Because of a few things, I find it rather hard to be fully trusting.  In the back of my mind there is this little nagging feeling that maybe, just maybe I’m setting myself up for another fall into the dark cold hole.  He acts genuine, but its hidden from public view.

Not only is there this drama llama stampede, there’s things floating around irl that are rather bothering me.  My cousin is a bitch.  She called me to boast about a new boyfriend and when I asked her what he was going to do for her on V-day, she went into defense mode.  I don’t exactly remember everything she said, but it really hurt.  She spoke needles into my flesh that sunk to the bone.

Not only that, but earlier tonight she called me to act all happy.  She told me more info about this new boy she has and then she started bitching at me again.  If I don’t fly down that flight of stairs at my own force, I might throw her down them.

I am really tired of it.  I can count on one hand the number of people I trust.

Mnemic - Liquid

 

As my senses evolve I need to learn to stand my ground.
I am forced into a shaking world when all I need is safe and sound.
I am not satisfied.
Looking into a mirror but I don’t really think I need to reflect.
I am unrealistically happy although I know its just a state of neglect.
I am not satisfied.
As the fire burns I’m standing still, I’m paralyzed and cold
(Watch my dreams unfold)
I am almost liquid and although I’m breathing I am dead
(although I’m breathing I am dead)
I am second in line when all they needed was number one.
I am sitting in the corner of that circle they placed me in.
I am not satisfied.
As the fire burns I’m standing still, I'm paralyzed and cold
(Watch my dreams unfold)
I am almost liquid and although I’m breathing I am dead
(although I’m breathing I am dead)
I don’t mean to disagree but it just seems that I am lost in situations
that wont ever turn out in my favor.
I just might give in.
It just seems that I will always live my life face down.
And Still I am not satisfied
As the fire burns I’m standing still, I’m paralyzed and cold
(Watch my dreams unfold)
I am almost liquid and although I’m breathing I am dead
(although I’m breathing I am dead)

 

(How I feel.)

Adventures with Kayla

Those of you reading know that on occasion, my cousin and I hang out together, even if its just briefly.

At about 8 or so, I got a call from her asking to hang out.  She has my other cousin’s baby daughter, Lorelei.  After about 20 min of goofing off at my place, we head out.

Driving down highway 74, her mom calls and we have to take Lorelei back to Kayla’s house.

After we do that, we stop by Ruby Tuesday’s to see Kayla’s boyfriend.  He’s hot.  He has gorgeous eyes and he’s a little chunky, but adorable.  I hope she keeps him around.

But while we were waiting on TJ to come out, this one guy comes outside from the place, he works there.  He stops at Kayla’s black beetle and starts talking to us.  He’s like “I need a smoke after dealing with that place.  We have a party for a kid in there and this black guy is swearing and calling this girl a bitch and threatening to beat on her.  I just had to get out of there.”  We say its all good and introduce ourselves.  His name is Derek.  He’s FUCKING HOT AND CURSES LIKE A SAILOR WITH A LARGE VOCABULARY!  (For those of you that are familiar with my area of NC, you understand that everyone here thinks a book is mostly for kindling or coasters or a chew toy for their dog or shit material for their pet cages.)

After we see TJ, we head to Wally World.  Its the only mother fucker open at this time.  We go in, Kayla and I have a discussion and I point out that all I can get is old men with no teeth, toothless idiots, black guys, and minors.  As soon as I finish explaining that, she says “That old guy, that we just walked past, checked you out.  YOU AIN’T LYIN’!” and laughs about it, I do too.

We buy the drinks we came to get and Kayla and I are hanging out at her car while she smokes.  A black guy is in an old school 80’s mustang and blaring some music.  Kayla’s dancing and singing along.  From behind me I hear a snicker and a chuckle.  I look back, its a 30-35 year old black man watching us as he gets in his car.  Kayla laughs and apologizes.  He asks what I had a feeling he would “How old are you, girls?”  Kayla responds with her age “18!”  He says “I was going to ask you if you wanted to party, but you’re too young.”  HE THOUGHT I WAS 18!  FUCK.  YES.

Then we get in Kayla’s car and we speed down the boulevard to my house.  I was gone for an hour.  1 mother fucking hour.  The shit that would happen if I were around Kayla more often would be some fucking craziness!  FUCKING!  CRAZINESS!  I seriously wish I could be around her for longer than a hour. :P

Riddle me this, riddle me that

Who can explain to me why a person goes to bed alone in a house with all the doors locked and all the windows blocked, passes out in a bra, t-shirt, long flannel pj bottoms, underwear, and wakes up with none of it on?

That happened to me.  My bra was in the living room, my underwear was in the hall, my bottoms are no where to be found.  My shirt was in the floor at the foot of the bed.

I had a dream that someone was trying to break into my house to molest me, he got in.  When he had me a knife point, I talked him out of it and molested him instead because he was predatorily hot, he was hot anyway, but…yeah.

Seriously.  SOMEONE EXPLAIN IT TO ME!  I don’t feel like I’ve had sex.  I’d probably be hurting right now if that were the case, first time and all.  I don’t know.  I just—I have no idea wtf to think.  Fuh.  Why does this shit happen to me?  I mean really.

I even woke up in a weird position on my bed.  I was catty cornered stretched from corner to corner with my arm hanging off the side of the bed.  My entire body feels like I’ve been hit by a bus.  Places popped that I didn’t even know could.  What the fuck happened last night?!  I just went to sleep!  ALONE!  NO PETS, NO NOTHIN’!  WHAT THE FUCK.

Rapunzel.

Right.  So.  Maybe Rapunzel being locked in the tower was a good idea.  It kept her away from having to feel and deal with certain things that everyone goes through.  It makes me envious of her and I wish I were in the tower instead.  I have short hair and there is no Prince Charming to go blind because of the witch’s curse for me to worry about and wait on.

For me, everyday is exactly the same.  Its the same routine; get up, eat (sometimes), shower, go next door, come back, get online, sit at my pc on my ass all day, neglect my house keeping duties, stay up late, rinse&repeat.

Sometimes great and good things happen and I am happy:  I got to talk to my brother for the first time since I saw him at Christmas.

Sometimes things happen out of the blue that drag me down into the hole:  I was linked to a disturbing video that makes me hate people all that much more.  There’s a reason I prefer the company of animals over a human.

Sometimes things happen and I’m not surprised when they do, they are often the bad ones:  My orange juice and my milk are both sour and I am back to having nothing to drink in the house.  The city water is hard water.

Sometimes things happen and I see them coming, but I don’t know how bad they really are…

Like this for instance…:

I’ve avoided MSN for the past few days as much as possible.  I had a feeling trouble was brewing from a silence involving some dumb cunt.  Under certain circumstances I did sign on.  I’ve even avoided Myspace for the same reason.  WELL!  Tonight after a somewhat decent day, THERE IS MATHIU!  ON MYSPACE.  After he signs off, and I hid from this mother fucker, I sign on MSN after about 20 minutes to check some messages.  BAM!  2 seconds after signing on, I GET A FUCKING MESSAGE FROM HIM!

Now this is probably the part where I go all boy crazy and mope and whine, NO!  THE MOTHER FUCKER IS SICK AND I AM WALLOWING IN THE FACT HE IS SUFFERING PROFUSELY!  He’s been awake for 3 days straight!  AND FUCKING LOOKS AWFUL!  TAKE THAT YOU MOTHER FUCKING CUNT!  POINT FOR ME!  (Don’t confuse this with me being happy, I’m entirely pissed and angry.  I hate being used and shit all over, but I can’t help but feel a cold hearted satisfaction when someone who deserves a slap from Karma gets one.)

Anyways.

Happiness is held dear to those that can feel it and seldom see it.  I have felt it only a handful of times in my lifetime, but its never been actually pure.  There’s a small taint the size of a pea or the size of the grand canyon casting a shadow upon it.  If the idea even crosses my mind of “Wow, this is a good day.” or “I’m happy today.  I’m going to get something done!”, shortly before something bad is about to happen, I can almost hear the cellos playing Jaws’ theme song.  Ignoring it doesn’t help either.

Its like I can’t really be happy.  Yes good things happen to me and I become happy because of them, but I always wind up seeing the negative doom on the horizon or the negative doom stabs me in the face.  I think one reason I do this is because I have grown accustomed to it happening and have accepted the fact that it won’t change any time soon.

Its an elusive concept I can’t grasp.

World of Warcraft and other crap.

WoW is an addicted mother fucker.  I’ve recently acquired a copy and access to a private server.  Now I fucking can’t wait to play it!

I’m lvl 17 after playing for about a week.  At lvl 20, I get a skeletal horse to ride around.

Anyways!

In other news, today I got to talk to my brother for the first time since I saw him around Christmas!  \o/  YAY!  He’s doing good, but I can’t help but feel we’re not as close as we use to be.  We sat there in silence a couple of times, you figured we’d have more to converse about.  Its rather depressing, but I’m glad I got to talk to him.

Loocee sent me a link to youtube.  A guy was humping a giant cheeto made from other cheetos for about 5 minutes.  He wore a black speedo and a green bag with eye holes cut into it.  He kept saying “I love you, Cheetos.” or something like that.  It was hard to not feel disturbed, but laugh at the same time.  Especially when he almost slipped on the plastic.  He’d have crushed his giant cheeto.

Heave, I love you, woman.

Haunted from the past.

It just comes back to slap you right the fuck across your face and there is nothing you can do about it, whether its actions or words or something you did to/with someone.  It just reappears!  Sometimes its in passing conversation or a sudden memory.  Its always something bringing back the shitty past.

How can you escape it?  You can’t.  That’s why you avoid doing shit to keep it from winding itself into the future.  How do you avoid these instances?  You can’t.  You don’t know what they are until after the fact and then you double face palm epically and pick out which bag you want placed over your head.

Can you say paper or plastic?

All you can do is just meet it head on and slap it across the face in a dainty manner and call it out for a duel.  Maybe you’ll survive the ball Bering going into your flesh in a metaphorical sense, or not.  You made the mistake.  The adult thing to do is deal with it.

Which is easier said than done.  Its a lot better to just have said problem go away, which is why there’s a lot of bodies floating around with cement shoes in rivers up north or in the cement bricks of bridges.  (The Mafia has a fanciful way of getting rid of their problems.)  If I wanted a prison sentence for life or the gas chamber, FUCK YEAH I’D DO IT!  Although…I hear sharks are just as effective.

I might wear a holey sheet like Charlie Brown.  Just as affective since everyone would know who you are with or without a bag.

“Shawty”

WHAT THE FUCKING HELL BULLSHIT IS THAT GOD DAMN WORD?!  ITS FUCKING STUPID.  IF IT MAKES IT INTO THE GOD DAMN LEXICON, I’M GOING TO MURDER SOME BITCHES!

GOD!

Chiggers, Gs, wiggers, and whatever the fuck else dumbass fuck with no brain cells in their head use it!

FUCK.

YOU.

What brought this on was suppose to be a harmless fucking trip to the god damn Dollar Tree.  We walk past  Game Stop.  Out in front of that store, there is a big trash can.  Leaning on it were two fucking dumbass skinny rednecks.  My dad and I are talking about PT Cruisers and Mom is walking slightly ahead of us.  As we pass them, the one actually sitting on the fucking trashcan like filth said “Hey, Shawty.”  My response was “NO! JESUS!” over my shoulder.

WHAT.  THE.  FUCK!?  SOMEONE SHOULD BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIS PARENTS!

What the fuck happened to “Hey, how are you?”  APPARENTLY IT GOT SHIT ON BY REPUGNANT FUCKING STUPID CUNTS!

I hate people.

“Cute”

Its getting thrown at me like a softball at the target at a dunking booth.  What.  The.  Fuck.

WHY!?  I mean come on!  Cute is for puppies and kittens!  UGH.  Its slightly…  Not degrading, but its not exactly something to blush and bat your eyelashes about.

It mostly comes up with vocal patterns of acting all “shy” and accents are involved.  Or how you’re dressed.  BUT WHAT IS THE POINT!?  If you put a lot of trouble into your outfit to NOT LOOK CUTE, and you do anyway, what’s the bloody point? 

Its inescapable, like having people tell you that different Avril Lavigne songs remind them of you.  (When you really fucking hate her and wish you could go back in time and punch the bastard that signed her in the face to the point its in a coma.)

Cute, to me, is like telling me “Yeah. You’re almost there, but not good enough.” or “You’re still so child-like, I’m going to look at you as a kid sister.”  (I AM A KID SISTER!  FUCK YOU!)  Possibly even the awesome: “You’re cute enough that I give you pity.”

Its slightly insulting without meaning to be.  Now people are going to read this and do one of two things, tell me how cute it is or apologize and feel like cunts.

ITS MY POINT OF VIEW and I have a feeling that a lot of the “cutes” are going to be smartassed.

I’m going to bed to have cute dreams about decapitation and mutilation.

Tactless pricks.

Giving someone my contact info does not justify messaging me that you’re fucking horny and want to talk dirty at 10:40 pm when I want to go the fuck to sleep.  Its different when its wanted attention, but if the person has a girlfriend,  FUCK THAT.  I mean seriously!  SHIT!

Jacob txted me and is like “I’m horny.” and I’m like “NO!”  He goes on to say how attracted he is to me and THEN SHARES SOME INFORMATION THAT I COULD LIVE WITHOUT!  EVERYTIME WE’VE SPOKEN, HE’S BEEN STROKIN’!  WHAT THE FUCK INFORMATION IS THAT?!  WHO THE FUCK SHARES THAT SHIT WITH SOMEONE?!  WELL!  I FUCKING SCREAMED FOR ABOUT AN HOUR!  Then he shared the many times afterward!  WHAT THE FUCKING BULLSHIT HELL IS THAT?!  WHY?!  I DON’T WANT TO KNOW!!!!!

On top of that, some home dude on FB is like “I think you’re sexy” and bullshit and then talks about wearing pleather pants in the ice.  I FUCKING SCREAMED AND I COULDN’T STOP!  THE IMAGES TAINT MY MIND!

WHO DOES THIS SHIT!?  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!  GOD!  Pinks tried to get me to think about Daniel Craig naked.  IT WAS FUCKING TAINTED BY HOMEFUCKER IN PLEATHER PANTS!

IF I KILL PEOPLE, THAT IS WHY!

All the screaming made me wake up with a sore throat.  Fucking nigs.  God damn.  Leave me alone about this shit.

My icy adventure…

Bird watching!

Ok.  So.  This bird is gorgeous!  What is it?!  It looks like a female blue jay, but it was going into a nest woodpeckers had been going in and out of.  Is it a woodpecker?!  I DON’T KNOW!!!

Cthulhu in Love

THIS IS FUCKING BADASS!  OH MY GOD!

 

I WANT!

 

http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/collectibles/d2cd/

Dude… TODAY IS AWESOME!

I woke up with a stiff back, BUT IT FUCKING SNOWED, DUDE!  FUCKING!  SNOWED!

Anyways.

I went outside to take pics.  I got feet from a lady goldfinch!!!!! LOOOOOOOK!

Plotting and planning

(Today’s word is “fuck”.)

Ok.  After much debate and switching back and forth and probably to the tiresomeness of my blog readers, I have decided to go forth with my venture and come out of my comfort zone to convince a mother fucker that I really fucking like him and I don’t give a God damn what he says about himself.

I know a lot about him and enough about him that I should be able to go on with this.  He believes me after a conversation we had, he just doesn’t “fathom why”.  I can’t really convince him of the why, because I tried, and he still calls bullshit.  So I have to show him otherwise which means on some physical level.  Don’t worry, I have a pretty good feeling that I can get what I want without having to go to extremes.  It should be fun!  The next time I talk to him, I have to think of what I’m going to say.

In other news…

I am writing a book.  Again.  I picked up a story that I had left off on.  I just have to figure out where I left off at.

I am writing another thing for myself so when I feel like shit, I can go back and reference a lot of what’s in it for an ego boost.  I can’t explain what it is because for a lot of you its probably really fucking stupid.

I’m also working on finding yarn to make dreadfalls.  This should be entirely fucking fun!  With as many extensions I have in various different fucking colors, I should be able to make some dreadfalls that go in a piece at a time and fucking wear them with my extensions and add to the image!  YEAH!  I already got bitched at by Mom about it.  (24 and getting bitched at for making yarn into dreads.  I mean seriously.  Its not real dreads.)  ANYWAYS!  I just gotta find my materials.  I will post pics if they turn out!  YAY!

FOR ONCE!  I had no nightmares last night!  I had a fucked up dream that I can remember vaguely, but it wasn’t a nightmare.  It was a murder mystery, so I am happy.

What else am I doing…

OH YEAH!  IT FUCKING SNOWED!  I will have pics up later, but for now, fuck it.  Its bright as fuck outside.  I have to shower and then I might go out and run around like an idiot in the weather.

Also, I have come to the conclusion I need a sugar daddy.  Real badly.  Preferably a guy that can’t get it up anymore so I don’t have to worry about feeling some protruding thing that shouldn’t be there.

BTW, peanuts are good.

That’s it for now.  I think…

Hod Damngit.

What the fuck is wrong with me getting some fucking sleep and not dealing with this god damn shit?!

GOD!

I AM GOING TO THROW MYSELF DOWN A FUCKING FLIGHT OF STAIRS!  THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!

BULL

FUCKING!

SHIT!!

Ok. What had happened was…

I wrote a reply back to Mathiu and it was rather…obvious that I was irritated but in actuality, I’M FUCKING PISSED!  As soon as I hit send, BAM!  An MSN window popped up from some douchebag that lives in the area that keeps trying to date me (and tell me what I am and am not feeling and what everything I say means), but 22 is not something I want to go back to in age.  Like 4 seconds after that, I got a Myspace chat window!  BAM!  Guy in Louisiana confesses his feelings for me, but he’s taken.  That’s too far away anyway.  THEN!  Just moments after Jake popped up, MATHIU POPS UP ON MSN AND SENDS ME A MESSAGE!

I’m fucking irate and pissed and homicidal.  We wind up camming.  Nothing dirty.  Just sitting there staring at each other.  He explains that he does believe me, but he can’t fathom it.  Which is fucking rank ass bullshit.  That pisses me off even more.

But I can’t stay pissed at him for long!  I TRIED!  I wavered!  I successfully stayed pissed!  Oh did I stay pissed!  Everything he said, I butted my head back and guess who has the harder head!  ME!

At one point he said that I should go visit him at work and we could go into the freezers.  I told him he’d be hard up and blue before that happened and when it did, he’d come out worse off than he already was.  I really REALLY fucking like him against my fucking will.  I had 8 mother fucking days to deal with this shit.  I THOUGHT I HAD!  NOPE!  SURPRISE!  GOD!  That is bullshit.

 

 

So I was in the bathroom shortly ago.  It suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks.  When it does, I almost faint.  Then I mouth the word “love” and I throw up.  Then I said it out loud and I wanted to die.  I think I am in the throws of puppy love.  I have every symptom.  The thought makes me want to stab myself repeatedly with a broken bone I ripped out or off of me.

Yes.  I know, I bitched earlier about this, but I figured it would be for someone else.  BUT NO.  When that asshole popped back up tonight, I wanted to puke.  I got out of bed to read a message that I could have let go until this moment or even longer!  But I wanted to read what he said.

So I was a nasty bitch when he signed on…  I wound up winning, but now he knows.  It was an awkward while, but we’re adults.  We’ll deal with shit.  BUT FUCK!

WHY THE GOD DAMN COMPLICATIONS!?

Why I sound like a dying engine right now in in real life…

Ok.  So.  If you’ve been tuned in.  You  know what’s been going on in the past week.  So if my typing and grammar are entirely fucked up, here’s why.

I was peacefully asleep.  I woke up to txt messages galore.  I don’t know why I got em all at once.  But one stuck out the most.  It was from Myspace saying that I got a response from that cunty mother fucking bastard.  On the 8th and a half day of silence from him…  I got a response to my message…

“im not actually sure whether to believe this or not :/
if its true then im speechless,
otherwise i think im pretty much speechless.
but yeah ive been so busy with work and all that ive had little time for anything else.
it was definitely good seeing you the other week though. you should come by more often :)

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT!?  I POUR MY FEELINGS OUT TO HIM BECAUSE I WANT CLOSURE AND I GET THAT LITTLE MOTHER FUCKING PARAGRAPH!  GOD DAMNIT!

What I said was:

“I know you've not been online for the past few days and I know I already messaged you

once, but I felt this one was more important than just checking up on you.

Remember when you stated that you've had a thing for me since forever and how you felt

that I hated you?  Well, its quite the opposite.  I've felt this way for some time now

and I figured that since you were brave enough to tell me after all the mean things I

have said and done to you, that I would respect you and tell you as well.

I've liked you quite a lot since probably the 2nd time I've hung out with you.  I did

notice when you flirted with me, but I was shyer than I am now.  It was all new to me

and that was the only way I could react.  It was wrong.  I've never hated you and I

feel like such a heinous bitch for how I treated you and for that I apologize.

That night Patricia ripped your boxers off, I wanted to look so damn bad, God only

knows how damn bad I wanted to look, but I couldn't.  I rather enjoyed that night to be

honest with you.  I was just too scared and the look on your face was intimidating to

even peak over that pillow once I let you go.  You intimidated me a lot, more than you

could ever know.  That's one thing that's attracted me to you; not to mention we share

simular tastes, ideals, and opinions.  You do still intimidate me, but I've grown quite

fond of it also.

Any time I was around, I found it hard to look you in the face when I spoke to you or

when you spoke because sometimes you would stare right at me and I could feel my face

turning red.  I have never liked blushing.  It makes me feel so vulnerable so to speak

and that was why I never looked directly at you.  There were times where I couldn't

stop myself from staring.  I don't even know what was going on at the time, but you

could never see it.  I feel like such an idiot now.

You will not believe how many times I wanted to tell you over the years, but when we

lost contact, I felt like it was too late.  I wasn't even sure if you still felt the

same way about me so I kept it hush-hush when you found me again.  I was rather shocked

when you told me what you did and that's why I could only ask "Why?"  I should have

told you then, but once again.  I'm too shy for my own good and I need to break that.

I figured I would tell you the truth and see what happens.  Now that you know,

hopefully you won't die of shock.”

I MEAN REALLY!  REALLY FUCKING REALLY!  WHAT DIETY OR FORCE OF WHAT THE FUCK EVER FATE THERE IS FOR HUMANITY DID I PISS OFF?!  I think I was a rapist in a past life or some bullshit or Jack the Ripper.  THIS IS GETTING TO BE SO FUCKING TIRESOME AND BULLSHITTY ITS NOT FUNNY ANYMORE!  But I sit here laughing, laughing at my luck for all this shit.

I think I’ve gone apeshit finally.  I think I belong in that padded room if I find this funny to laugh so hard I can’t breathe and my ribs cramp.

FUUUUUUUUUH.

Pestilence

This is just basically a bitch fest and pity party.

Today my parents are celebrating being together for 33 years, today 33 years ago was their first date.

Its a happy occasion, don’t get me wrong, but its kind of hard to be happy when I feel like I’m left out of this little group of happy people sharing happy times with someone they love in that kind of manner.

I have 6 cousins and an older brother.

Hanna is dating.

Kayla is dating.

Keith is dating.

CJ, the youngest at 12, is chatting it up with girls.

Chris is “dating”.

Cliff is married.

My brother, Eric, is married.

My aunts have significant others, the two that are unattached are dating.

My neighbor across the street had his girlfriend spend the night last night.

I mean seriously.  After last week, I want to become a recluse and hide away from people.  Its bullshit.  I feel like the embodiment of Pestilence.  I just need my white horse and I will just be full of win.

With the dreams I’ve been having lately, I wouldn’t be surprised if I got smacked in the face by a horse and told “GET ON I!”  Fuuuuuuuuuh.  I mean really.  Really really.

Another nightmare

I keep having nightmares lately, no reasons why.  The only time I get sleep, its the worse sleep I could ever get.  Last night I slept 12 hours and I woke up feeling awful.  I had two very vivid dreams that I could have lived without.

 

The first one.

This one takes place in the middle of nowhere where dairy farms are a frequent, but far between.

I was with two men who would go in and inspect the farms to make sure they were up to standards.  I was just a trainee.  They were nice.  I remember one’s name being Will and another’s being Frank.  Will was about 40 with 2 kids.  Frank was a bachelor at 36.  I was myself in age and stature.  We were called to go inspect a farm where the owners haven’t been heard from in a while.

It is dark when we get there, for whatever reason why, and oddly silent when we get out of the truck.  We see several barns and several animals walking in a pasture.  We approach the first barn.  There are no cows.  We approach the second and that is where I see the most horrific sight I have ever seen in real life or in a dream.  The cows were eating each other.

They just stood there staring at us as they chewed the others like grass.  Their eyes reflected from our flashlights.  We slowly start to back up.  Will bumps into something and I into him.  When we turn around to see, a cow is standing there with an arm hanging out of its mouth.

Slowly they start to move in on us.  Frank picks me up and tosses me into an unopened pin that leads into the pasture.  I take off running for my life towards the truck.  From behind me I hear blood curdling screams from the two men.  I stop in my tracks and turn around.  I see Frank being taken over by cows who are just eating anything in their path.  Will is beating on them with his flashlight before he is overtaken.  I turn back to run for the truck when I see a little figure running across the pasture toward me.  Its a little girl.

I run at her and I grab her up.  We manage to get to the fence and I pick her up and put her over.  I tell her to run for the truck.  She runs and makes it, locking the doors and huddling in the floor board.  From behind me I hear hooves.  I turn around and 3 cows are coming at me slowly.  The others are dead laying on the ground with Frank and Will in the barn.  I start climbing the fence and I make it over.  The cows stop at the fence.

The cows stare at me briefly.  One turns to a smaller one.  It kicks it over and breaks the fence.  The cow lays there making God awful squealing noises from a piece of metal post sticking from its ribs.  The other cows come across, one stopping to graze on the fallen.  I run for the truck, but its being harassed by 3 more cows.  The little girl is screaming.  I start screaming.

I jump up and down and start waving my arms in the air to get their attention.  They ignore me and topple the truck.  I watch in horror as they break the windshield and start feasting on the girl.  I stand there not believing what I see and I just start running for the main road.  Behind me I hear a stampede.

I manage to make it to the road.  No cars are coming.  I run along it for a while.  I still hear their feet against the cement behind me.  My body starts to tire so I stop to catch my breath.  Shortly after, a big rig turns a corner.  I dive out of the way.  I hear tires screeching and I turn to look.  He hit the cows.

The big rig jackknives and falls over, skidding across the road and blocking that direction.  I start to relax as I see pieces of cows flying and parts crunching from under the pressure and weight.  I lay down where I’ve fallen and catch my breath.  As I go to stand up, I feel heat on the side of my face.  I turn my head and there it stands.  The mangled face of the cow that pushed that other over the fence.

Then I wake up when my phone goes off saying I have a txt.

 

When I go back to sleep, I have another nightmare.  I can’t stop having them for some reason!  I don’t eat before I go to bed.  I feel like I’m trying to be desensitized humanely or something.

 

The second dream.

I was in a high rise office building pushing a cart.  I made my way to the 67th floor and I’m wandering around collecting packages and delivering junk I don’t care to know about.  Its in the middle of the day, but the power goes out.  No one pays much attention.  Then the fire alarms go off.  People start looking around in wonder as to what’s going on.  I keep doing what I’m paid to do as people look at each other and out of the windows.  People start whispering and then the screams start.  Someone’s walked out of the stairwell on our floor covered in blood.  I look as the man stands there catching his breath.  He then collapses.  Two other men from our floor move him from the door and go to look out.  We hear feet quickly running up the stairs.

The men run back in and try to hold the door, screaming for someone to get something to block it with.  We start moving desks and furniture in front of it.  We successfully keep whatever is out there away from us.  The fallen man is carried to a sofa in the mean time and he’s not hurt.

We listen as more screams come from above us.  People have started falling from the upper floors with people eating them as they fall.  We watch helplessly as they hit the ground.  Below on the sidewalk, people are being chased by other people and eaten in the streets.

Then the power turns back on.  We all stop in our tracks and stare at the elevator doors.  They ding open.  Horror strikes our faces as 5 mutilated people run out snarling.  The nearest ones are taken down easily as they scream.  The man that was on the couch grabs me and a couple others and drags us into a closet with a sturdy wooden door.  We cover our mouths and just listen as everyone outside is massacred.

When the noises stop, one tries to reach for the knob, but he stops the guy.  He covers his lips with a single finger.  We wait a while longer.  We hear the groaning and shuffling of feet outside and a large crash.  Glass is shattered and furniture is battered as they look for more food.  Then the loudest silence we’ve heard in our lives.  We could hear each other’s heartbeats.

Slowly we get to our feet and grab whatever we could use as a weapon.  Our savior moves to open the door.  We stand silently for a what seems like a lifetime.  He opens the door and slowly sticks his head out.  The floor is entirely empty.  A warm breeze blows in from the broken windows.  The stair case is uncovered.  The elevator doors are wedged open.

We slowly step out.  A soft groan is made from under a desk.  We halt our steps and look.  A survivor.  We pick her up and set her on a couch.  I see to her as the men and the other woman barricade everything back.  She has no scratches or bites, just bruises.  She’s just frightened beyond repair.

I leave her to her rest and we stand at the broken windows, kicking plate glass out to the ground below.  There are bodies everywhere.  From behind us, we hear the crunching of bones.  Slowly we turn and something we missed is eating the poor woman’s arm.  Apparently she died from fright for we heard no screams.  We charge it and it charges us.  We beat it to death and throw it out the window as well as her body as it starts to convulse.

We look at each other.  There are 5 of us on the 67th floor of a high rise with the sun going down broken windows.  The night will be cold, but the stock rooms are closed in with secure doors and there are bathrooms.  The lounge was freshly stocked with sodas, water, and food in the machines that morning.  There’s food in the cupboards and a coffee machine. 

Little did we know that one of the supply closets had zombies stuck in it.

I wake up in the real world, as my body is being devoured in the dream, in such excruciating pain.  My head is pounding and I can barely breathe.  I slept weird and I start coughing.  I roll over as my body pops and stretches out to lay on my side.  3 minutes later, I get up to start my day with the vivid gore and grotesque images plaguing my mind when I blink.

Flashing High Schoolers on a Bus

I did that.  In real life.  It was entirely accidental.

Its 7:42 am.  I just got out of the shower and I was in a  towel.  I came to the PC to check messages.  I turned around and tripped over a shoe.  Off went the towel.

The chair behind my PC chair swivels.  It turned and I steadied myself with it.  I looked up to see a bus going past and the curtains wide ass open.

I hear “Nice boobs!” from the bus.

So Fucking Embarrassed…

The man, the knife, the dream

Not many things scare me in my dreams, very rarely do I have a nightmare that freaks me out extremely well.  Normally I can take control of them and turn them around to my liking, but sometimes the dreams are too vivid…almost realistic to do that to.

This one was a scene set in a dark room about 15 feet by 15 feet.  The walls were dark with grunge and dirt and age.  The light was a low yellow, but over the autopsy slab, they were bright like the sun.

The metal was cold against my skin as was the stale air that filled my lungs.  I was the one strapped to the table.  My legs at the knees and ankles were bound.  My arms at the wrists and elbows losing circulation from the tightness of the leather straps.  I was stuck to that table with no way of getting out of it.  The buckles were under the slab of surgical steel that I laid naked upon.  It almost seemed as if the hide just came from the bull, but it was me bleeding from where the bindings were cutting into me.

I had on my glasses, I assumed so I could see the horrors that awaited me more clearly without him having to lean in about 3 inches from my face.  Above the lights above me, there were polished mirrors nailed to the ceiling.  I could see the dim dirt floor from wall to wall.

Along the wall to my left, a counter went from corner to corner.  Across it was an array of various rusted and shining metal blades, chains, tools, etc.  They were all displayed neatly on brand new white towels.  Even the counters looked pristine.

Along the wall to my right, a double basin sink, a washboard, and neatly stacked totes full of clothing and personal items.  I realized then that I was probably more than the 100th person to be in that room to not make it out alive.

From what I could see above my head from the mirrors, there were several curio cabinet filled with human skulls, each decorated different with deep scratches, holes, and scars from the torment that awaited.  In the left corner, a grand wooden door with iron hinges and handle sat forebodingly comfortable in the middle of all this fear.

At my feet, I could see clearer than what was above my head.  Hanging from nails, hooks, and screws along from ceiling to floor to corner to corner were his creations from his sessions.  Paintings of women in scandalous poses painted from blood with human skin as their bodies matted to canvases framed with bone.  There were framed pictures from old 35mm cameras with victims’ faces frozen in horror and pain long after their death.  Each face stared at me as a warning, one that I could no longer heed.

As my eyes were scanning the room, the wooden door started creaking.  The wood’s thick as its forced open.  The hinges rattle at the walls from the support about to give out from the load.  I move my head to see my captor a bit better, causing a cramp at the base of my skull.  What I was able to see without the reflection of the top of his head was a black latex apron going from his shoulders down to his ankles.  His face was covered in a gas mask much resembling the one I own in real life.  He wore a hole worn brown sweater and black baggy pants.  His figure was firm, with a little hard fat around the shoulders and gut.

At this point, things get kind of weird and extremely unsavory so I am going to leave them out.

When he is finished with the things I left out, he takes his precious time moving over to the counter space.  He picks through his instruments until he chooses a long curved knife that looks like its used for skinning.  Slowly he starts to peel my skin off until there’s nothing from the exposed areas.  The pain is excruciating.  He then walks over to the side with the sink with my skin and places it in the sink with warm water.  He picks up a bottle of lemon dish detergent and turns around and stares at me.

The detergent is smeared all over my body where the muscle and fat is showing.  I scream until I’m hoarse and my throat is dry.  No more screams come from my throat from this moment on.

Gradually he cuts away pieces of me with no regard for anesthesia.  The last thing I remember about the dream is going black listening to him hum this weird tune I remember hearing once before.  Then I wake up in a cold sweat.  I was only asleep for 10 minutes.