St. Patrick’s Day Part II.

Well.  The beginning is always the hardest part to start.

So I will start with an old story…

As you all know, last weekend my grandma was put in the hospital.  Sunday she was released.  She’s doing fine.  But the thing is what I tell you all next…

While we were waiting to hear from the doctors in the emergency room, my 40 year old over dramatic Aunt came and got us all.  She walked over, threw her hand in a circle without saying a word, and said that the whole family should come.  It was the longest walk of my life.  It was only 10 feet around a blind corner.  Then I saw my grandpa.  He was red-faced and teary eyed and sitting with his hands in his lap.  I have never seen him this way.  I felt my heart hit my feet and I nearly passed out.  I stood there and had an anxiety attack.

Turns out they ran my grandfather out of the emergency room because they had to resuscitate my grandma several times.  They were worried he was going to have a heart attack while they worked on her.  Margaret was just pissed she got tossed out of the room.

My grandma apparently died several times that night.  They had to resuscitate her at their house and feed her oxygen in the ambulance.   They had to do it again a few times at the hospital.  When they got her stabilized, they let family go see her.

Mom found this out over a call with Aunt Linda.  Aunt Linda had just gotten back from over there and felt the need to call Mom about that and about this…

Talking to my grandma is like talking to a child sometimes.  Lately she’s been wondering why we haven’t come to visit.  Margaret told Grandma that it was because Grandma called Mom a “Bitch”.  Which is entirely untrue.

Apparently on the same day Grandma got out of the hospital, Aunt Linda went and filled their medications.  When she went to Grandma and Grandpa’s, someone had went and gotten hamburgers and milkshakes.

Grandma did not “choke” on a pill.  She was butted in the place where the stomach meets the chest and it knocked the breath out of her.  What actually happened, I don’t know.  The doctors never told the rest of us.  Whomever was in the room when the emergency room doctor showed up told the doctor to tell Grandpa because he was her husband.  The woman that said that was Margaret we assume.

Margaret also states that my parents are lazy, snobbish, and sleep until 1 pm.  So, a fight might go down between Aunt Linda with Mom on her side and against Aunt Margaret.  If such a thing happens, chances are I will have video of it and I will post it here.

The reason all of this is mentioned because this Saturday is Grandma’s birthday.

GOD DAMN BULLSHIT!

I am gonna kick myself in the face.  Total fucking bullshit.

I could have went and met a guy at Wal-Mart tonight and kicked it there for a couple of fucking hours.  BUT NO.  Everyone went batshit crazy at the suggestion because it was midnight and my cousin's car is leaking water.  ITS A TOTAL OF 5 MIN AWAY!  SERIOUSLY!!

I COULD HAVE HAD REAL FOOD TOO!!

The last time I actually ate a good meal was yesterday at 10:30 am.  Since then it was eggs with cheese on them (which is making me feel shitty right now) and chips and soft drinks.

BUT NO! WE COULDN'T DO SHIT!

My parents are still at the hospital with my aunts because of Grandma.  Its almost 3 am.  She's going to be ok.  Kayla and I were at the hospital since about 5 something and we left it at midnight, hungry and depressed.

FUCK!  IS RELAXATION A THING OF THE PAST!?

The Doctor is out.

Fix your own god damn messes.  There are so many people that sit there and ask for help and when its given, THEY DON’T FUCKING LISTEN TO IT AND THEN THEY DO THE SAME GOD DAMN SHIT OVER AND OVER AND OVER.  I’m not sorry, ITS REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING.  THE DOCTOR FUCKING QUITS!  FIX YOUR OWN GOD DAMN SHIT!

Also, if the above does not apply to you, the following might…

STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE WHAT I TELL YOU ABOUT IN PRIVACY.  FUCK.

Its been a while, hasn’t it?

I’m going crazy or I’m already there or some other some such shit.

Something out there is throwing bullshit at me by the buckets and I keep getting hit.

I’ve sat here trying to figure out what’s wrong with people.  A person contacts another person.  Talks to them for about 4 hours and some odd minutes.  Then.  NOTHING.  Its like being raped in the face or something.

WHY DO PEOPLE DO THAT SHIT!?  Whether its 4 hours or a few weeks!  After a while, NOTHING.  Even when the conversations are intellectual and passionate in the subject, it just SUDDENLY FUCKING STOPS.  I know people get busy, but its not even a “Sup.  Haven’t heard from you in a while.  Things are cool here.  What about you?” txt or message somewhere.  God!

Maybe its what’s wrong with me.  Maybe I’m too…blunt or tactless or something.

Also, I’m cleaning my house for people who don’t exist.  Yay.  Go me and my self pity.  I can’t even make coffee.  I put in too much milk so its coffee flavored milk.

Ah God damnit.

Driving while pissed.

Now that I’m not throwing up constantly or feeling like I’m going to die from having alien try and crawl out of my body, I can actually post a fucking blog.

I don’t know if anything has happened over the past couple days.  I really don’t care.  This is more of a bitching post than it is of anything else.

I CAN’T GET BEHIND THE WHEEL OF THE FUCKING CAR WITHOUT A GOD DAMN LECTURE OF SOME SORT!  I went to turn into our street and we had a fucking jeep Cherokee tailgating us so I took the turn a little fast and got bitched out for it.  I COULD SEE THE FUCKING DRIVER’S FACE IN GREAT DETAIL.  Even if I had stopped or slowed down just a bit, the fucking cunt probably WOULD HAVE STILL FUCKING HIT US!

I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING DRIVE ANYMORE IF I GET A FUCKING LECTURE EVERY GOD DAMN TIME I’M BEHIND THE WHEEL!  “You shouldn’t do this. You shouldn’t do that.”  I appreciate the advice, BUT HOLY FUCKING SHIT!  LOOK AT IT FROM MY POINT OF VIEW!  I HAVE NO INSURANCE!  NONE!  ONE CAR ACCIDENT, AND WHO FUCKING KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN!  Not to mention everyone in the god damn family is fucking jobless and Dad’s unemployment is the only god damn source of income.  LIKE WE CAN FUCKING AFFORD ANOTHER CAR!  EVEN IF ITS THE OTHER FUCKING DRIVER’S GOD DAMN FAULT HE FUCKING HIT US!  INSURANCE COMPANIES DON’T FUCKING PAY SHIT!

FUCK!

FUCK THE WHOLE THING!  I’m fucking tempted to “mysteriously” lose my permit.  FUCK THIS!

(I also got lectured about txting at a redlight.  Its a state law not to, but Dad went ape shit about it and ape shit about the fucking jeep.  I have PMS so bad and I feel like crying.)

Holy mother fucking bullshit on a god damn shit sickle, Batman.

 

WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCKING SHIT IS GOING ON LATELY?!  I MEAN FOR REAL!  In one day!  ONE MOTHER FUCKING DAY!  (Well, more like the span of 9 hours…)

I hung out with Kayla today.  We wound up meeting with two guys she knows from the Fire Department (Where her mom was fucking the married fire chief…) and one of the guys was the fire chief’s son.  The fire chief’s son is called Trenton.  The other is Dakota.  Dakota has a mouth and wants to sleep with Kayla.  Trenton fucking stares at me like he’s undressing me with his eyes.  Little does he know I’d fucking smother him in his sleep and not give a gracious damn about it.

Trenton freaks me out when he stares like that.  He’s clever like a fox, sly like a demon, and cunning like a mother fucker.  I have an inclination that I’d probably wind up getting my face busted if it came to blows with him, but I’d have more damage done and could say my shit was in self defense as long as someone doesn’t record if I throw the first blow.

Dakota is an asshole.  He kept kneeing Kayla in the thighs and stomping her feet and pushing her all night.  When I would go after him, he would run off.  It wasn’t until we were at Books that I was able to stick my claws into his flesh.  He started picking on me about reading and calling me names and shit.  I was able to turn around and punch him once in the spine and once in the kidney and hopefully once in the back of the head.  Then I slipped off the curb in my fest of beating on him and twisted my ankle.  When I got back up, he threatened to cut me and I just licked my lips in a seductive manner and told him to bring it.  He’s now scared of me and I fucking love it.

(Last night I went and hung out with Kayla also.  She wound up getting stuck in the mud in my front yard.  She slung mud on me, but we went to the mall anyway.  There is a guy that works at the pizza place that really likes my bitch cousin Hanna.  When I heard, I couldn’t censor myself and said “Is that possible?!”  He looked at me like he was going tell on her and asked “Why isn’t it possible?”  I just waved it off.  For a bit I was worried that he would tell her and it would start a hot mess of trouble for no damn reason other than Hanna and her whalephant mother are nasty bitches.  Then I decided that he would have to tell Hanna that he likes her in order for the story to be told.)

After I came home and doctored my ankle, I sat at my computer.  I signed on.  Well!  I have heartburn caused by massive amounts of stress and indigestion.  On top of those fucks causing shit, I have internet shit to deal with.

One guy is being a perb and thinks I’m being an attention whore.  Gradually over the past few hours, he’s made it clear!

Another is being a cryptic son of a bitch and makes me feel like shit and doesn’t seem to give a God damn!  I’m a fucking person, not some fucking robot for abuse.

And another says he’ll do something but doesn’t, like a typical male.  So I sit and wait like a God damn retard.  (But I currently have heartburn so laying down would be bad.)

I have no problems with the general females that I am around, but Jesus Christ!  Its not the same with women!  I get along better with them than I do males and you figured it would be the other way around!

LIKE FUCK!

WHY!?

TO PUT THE CHERRY ON THE TOP!!!!!!

I sign onto youtube to surf around and look at videos and shit, obviously videos.  I had forgotten I subscribed to this skinny asshole’s feed.  Under my “Subscriptions”, there is a nice video waiting for me.  I click it out of curiosity to see what he’s bitching about and LOW AND BEHOLD!  THE 2ND EX IS SITTING THERE ON THE LEFT SIDE OF THE SCREEN!  He’s gained weight from not being in work, maybe he’s still jobless.  I FUCKING HOPE SO!  I hope he’s still doing weed and has gotten kicked out of his dad’s house because I’m mean!  I HOPE HE FUCKING HAS VD OR SOME RANCID STD HE CAN’T GET RID OF.  HE’S LIKE MY FUCKING PLAGUE!  I CAN’T FUCKING GET RID OF HIM!  JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!

Here’s the video:

“Cute”

Its getting thrown at me like a softball at the target at a dunking booth.  What.  The.  Fuck.

WHY!?  I mean come on!  Cute is for puppies and kittens!  UGH.  Its slightly…  Not degrading, but its not exactly something to blush and bat your eyelashes about.

It mostly comes up with vocal patterns of acting all “shy” and accents are involved.  Or how you’re dressed.  BUT WHAT IS THE POINT!?  If you put a lot of trouble into your outfit to NOT LOOK CUTE, and you do anyway, what’s the bloody point? 

Its inescapable, like having people tell you that different Avril Lavigne songs remind them of you.  (When you really fucking hate her and wish you could go back in time and punch the bastard that signed her in the face to the point its in a coma.)

Cute, to me, is like telling me “Yeah. You’re almost there, but not good enough.” or “You’re still so child-like, I’m going to look at you as a kid sister.”  (I AM A KID SISTER!  FUCK YOU!)  Possibly even the awesome: “You’re cute enough that I give you pity.”

Its slightly insulting without meaning to be.  Now people are going to read this and do one of two things, tell me how cute it is or apologize and feel like cunts.

ITS MY POINT OF VIEW and I have a feeling that a lot of the “cutes” are going to be smartassed.

I’m going to bed to have cute dreams about decapitation and mutilation.

Hod Damngit.

What the fuck is wrong with me getting some fucking sleep and not dealing with this god damn shit?!

GOD!

I AM GOING TO THROW MYSELF DOWN A FUCKING FLIGHT OF STAIRS!  THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!

BULL

FUCKING!

SHIT!!

Ok. What had happened was…

I wrote a reply back to Mathiu and it was rather…obvious that I was irritated but in actuality, I’M FUCKING PISSED!  As soon as I hit send, BAM!  An MSN window popped up from some douchebag that lives in the area that keeps trying to date me (and tell me what I am and am not feeling and what everything I say means), but 22 is not something I want to go back to in age.  Like 4 seconds after that, I got a Myspace chat window!  BAM!  Guy in Louisiana confesses his feelings for me, but he’s taken.  That’s too far away anyway.  THEN!  Just moments after Jake popped up, MATHIU POPS UP ON MSN AND SENDS ME A MESSAGE!

I’m fucking irate and pissed and homicidal.  We wind up camming.  Nothing dirty.  Just sitting there staring at each other.  He explains that he does believe me, but he can’t fathom it.  Which is fucking rank ass bullshit.  That pisses me off even more.

But I can’t stay pissed at him for long!  I TRIED!  I wavered!  I successfully stayed pissed!  Oh did I stay pissed!  Everything he said, I butted my head back and guess who has the harder head!  ME!

At one point he said that I should go visit him at work and we could go into the freezers.  I told him he’d be hard up and blue before that happened and when it did, he’d come out worse off than he already was.  I really REALLY fucking like him against my fucking will.  I had 8 mother fucking days to deal with this shit.  I THOUGHT I HAD!  NOPE!  SURPRISE!  GOD!  That is bullshit.

 

 

So I was in the bathroom shortly ago.  It suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks.  When it does, I almost faint.  Then I mouth the word “love” and I throw up.  Then I said it out loud and I wanted to die.  I think I am in the throws of puppy love.  I have every symptom.  The thought makes me want to stab myself repeatedly with a broken bone I ripped out or off of me.

Yes.  I know, I bitched earlier about this, but I figured it would be for someone else.  BUT NO.  When that asshole popped back up tonight, I wanted to puke.  I got out of bed to read a message that I could have let go until this moment or even longer!  But I wanted to read what he said.

So I was a nasty bitch when he signed on…  I wound up winning, but now he knows.  It was an awkward while, but we’re adults.  We’ll deal with shit.  BUT FUCK!

WHY THE GOD DAMN COMPLICATIONS!?

Why I sound like a dying engine right now in in real life…

Ok.  So.  If you’ve been tuned in.  You  know what’s been going on in the past week.  So if my typing and grammar are entirely fucked up, here’s why.

I was peacefully asleep.  I woke up to txt messages galore.  I don’t know why I got em all at once.  But one stuck out the most.  It was from Myspace saying that I got a response from that cunty mother fucking bastard.  On the 8th and a half day of silence from him…  I got a response to my message…

“im not actually sure whether to believe this or not :/
if its true then im speechless,
otherwise i think im pretty much speechless.
but yeah ive been so busy with work and all that ive had little time for anything else.
it was definitely good seeing you the other week though. you should come by more often :)

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT!?  I POUR MY FEELINGS OUT TO HIM BECAUSE I WANT CLOSURE AND I GET THAT LITTLE MOTHER FUCKING PARAGRAPH!  GOD DAMNIT!

What I said was:

“I know you've not been online for the past few days and I know I already messaged you

once, but I felt this one was more important than just checking up on you.

Remember when you stated that you've had a thing for me since forever and how you felt

that I hated you?  Well, its quite the opposite.  I've felt this way for some time now

and I figured that since you were brave enough to tell me after all the mean things I

have said and done to you, that I would respect you and tell you as well.

I've liked you quite a lot since probably the 2nd time I've hung out with you.  I did

notice when you flirted with me, but I was shyer than I am now.  It was all new to me

and that was the only way I could react.  It was wrong.  I've never hated you and I

feel like such a heinous bitch for how I treated you and for that I apologize.

That night Patricia ripped your boxers off, I wanted to look so damn bad, God only

knows how damn bad I wanted to look, but I couldn't.  I rather enjoyed that night to be

honest with you.  I was just too scared and the look on your face was intimidating to

even peak over that pillow once I let you go.  You intimidated me a lot, more than you

could ever know.  That's one thing that's attracted me to you; not to mention we share

simular tastes, ideals, and opinions.  You do still intimidate me, but I've grown quite

fond of it also.

Any time I was around, I found it hard to look you in the face when I spoke to you or

when you spoke because sometimes you would stare right at me and I could feel my face

turning red.  I have never liked blushing.  It makes me feel so vulnerable so to speak

and that was why I never looked directly at you.  There were times where I couldn't

stop myself from staring.  I don't even know what was going on at the time, but you

could never see it.  I feel like such an idiot now.

You will not believe how many times I wanted to tell you over the years, but when we

lost contact, I felt like it was too late.  I wasn't even sure if you still felt the

same way about me so I kept it hush-hush when you found me again.  I was rather shocked

when you told me what you did and that's why I could only ask "Why?"  I should have

told you then, but once again.  I'm too shy for my own good and I need to break that.

I figured I would tell you the truth and see what happens.  Now that you know,

hopefully you won't die of shock.”

I MEAN REALLY!  REALLY FUCKING REALLY!  WHAT DIETY OR FORCE OF WHAT THE FUCK EVER FATE THERE IS FOR HUMANITY DID I PISS OFF?!  I think I was a rapist in a past life or some bullshit or Jack the Ripper.  THIS IS GETTING TO BE SO FUCKING TIRESOME AND BULLSHITTY ITS NOT FUNNY ANYMORE!  But I sit here laughing, laughing at my luck for all this shit.

I think I’ve gone apeshit finally.  I think I belong in that padded room if I find this funny to laugh so hard I can’t breathe and my ribs cramp.

FUUUUUUUUUH.

Ever wonder…

If you did the right thing?  Like…I don’t know.  I don’t know how to state this without giving too much detail.  Let me think…

…

…

…

Ok.  Say you did something that you weren’t suppose to do, but you enjoyed it and no harm was caused by it.  It was harmless…But.  Depending on what it was, do you think it was right?  Whether it was swiping your spouse’s car while he/she is asleep, sneaking out at the age of 20 something from your parents’ house, sharing an intimate moment with someone that you probably shouldn’t have but you wanted it, or wrote the answers down in a text book to all the tests at the end of the chapter or even wrote down the test answers on the desk for the next kid in the following class.

Probably not good examples, but given that most people are adults when some of them occur, except the last two, do you think that maybe you did the wrong thing?  Maybe that spouse will wake up and freak out and call the cops thinking you were kidnapped?  Or the house could catch on fire and your parents think you’re still inside and suffer until you show up or go in and try to save you?  Or you could become that other person, that fabled other that is labeled a home wrecker or “That son of a bitch.”.  Maybe the dumbass needed to learn those lessons in the book.  Maybe it would have saved him a lot of issues on a job later by knowing and studying what was in the book in school.

I don’t know.  I have mixed feelings.  Maybe its lack of sleep talking, even different things people have told me.  Its…I…Hm.  I’ll have to see what happens.  Probably nothing will happen at all.  Probably no one will say a word for a while about anything and that will be the end of it.

Sucks.  I hate being an adult.

School Girl Crush Part 2.

So against the better judgment of someone and myself, I went and saw him at his place of work.  I could feel the pit of my stomach drop anxiously when I asked my cousin if the person behind the counter had fake blond hair and facial hair.  She said yes and I almost threw up on myself.  She laughed when I screamed in frustration and lit up a cig as she got out of her black Volkswagen nicely dubbed “Black Betty”.  Kayla is just smooth and cool like that.

I walk toward the door, but the particular one I went for was locked so I had to walk to the other one.  I think he saw me then.  When I walked in, he was busy with a customer and I didn’t acknowledge him, so I went and grabbed a soda out of the back.  From behind me, I hear “HEY YOU!”  When I turned around, I wanted to fucking cry.  He looked like a puppy that has been chosen to go home from the pet store.  His eyes had as much happiness in them like a dog who is excited to see its owner after the owner’s been gone for a while.  If he had a tail, he would have wagged it vigorously.

Like the nasty little bitch I am, I walked up one of the aisles he already had mopped and did my best to play cool and not slip and fall, but these shoes apparently have good tread.  He said “Do you have to walk up the wet part?”  “Yes.” I said coolly.  He said “Meanie.”  I said “Yep.”

I paid for my soda as we chatted.  He told me jokes and seemed to like it when I laughed at them.  He told me about the stupid people that walk into the convenient store and we acted like smartasses to each other.

I managed to get a hug from him before I left.  This is the part that doesn’t make it any better.  It was one of the most secure hugs I have ever had without someone dying or having to console someone in tears.  I smelled him and he smelled delicious.  I am sure he smelled me too because I heard and felt him give a deep sigh.  We held it for a little bit, probably longer than we should have and went back to talking.  When I saw my cousin on her blackberry, she waved me out.  Her mom had called and we needed to leave.

So.  That was that.  I feel like a big stupid fucking pushover.  I shouldn’t have gone.  It made it worse.  SO MUCH FUCKING WORSE.  I wanted to rape him behind the counter, but I seriously doubted he would have minded considering another thing he confessed two days ago was wanting peel my boxer shorts off me that one time we played this dirty adult game when I was 19.  (There were more people playing and not just us.  Its called 7 Deadly Sins.  Look it up.)

After I read B’s comment below, I have tried association with negative things.  My libido and my mind are equally matched in this war.  Even with the propaganda he states that my libido might be sending, my mind sends just as much to my libido.  I am never going to get over this.  I feel it is hopeless, utterly bullshitily hopeless.

I also found out, and I don’t know if this is good or not, that my cousin that works across the street at Bi-Lo frequents the store.  Mathiu thinks he knows him.  I feel like I’m going to vomit and I want to lay down and die and never leave my damn house.

Fuuuuh.  Anyways.  This is what he saw when he saw me for the first time face to face after 3 or 4 years.



This was taken immediately after I got home from seeing him.  Yes, my face was still red and I assume it was read red the entire time.

I wish something would stop trying to fuck me with the hot poker and find someone else to screw with.



This is the fucking douche bag.

Sad isn’t it?

Almost shameful on my behalf to have these feelings for him.

At least he looks into my eyes and not at my chest when he speaks to me.

(By the way, in that pic, he's dressed up as a Final Fantasy character for Halloween. So chill. It was the only good one of his face I could get.)

School Girl Crushes ARE FUCKING BULLSHIT!

WHY!?  I MEAN SERIOUSLY!  COME ON!  As a female, I have enough shit to deal with!  BUT WHY THIS?!

Tonight a person I have known for about 7 years contacted me on Myspace.  I pray that he never finds this blog or else it could make things more complicated.  I think I am typing this because I need to get it off my chest and maybe, just maybe, it will alleviate some of the need for screaming and vomiting.  But we started talking in the chat window thing.  Something up there hates me.

It moved from the Myspace chat to MSN.  There he showed me his tattoo on his ass that I didn’t believe he had gotten.  His ass wasn’t hair, it was clean, and I wanted to bite it.  :(  I was so glad my cam wasn’t on.  I’m sure my thoughts shown across my face.  All I could think were extremely adult and rated X for a reason so I won’t share them here.

There is so much complication involved, I know emotions already are but this is different.  I know almost all of his ex girlfriends.  His ex wife was a good friend of mine.  I use to babysit his children.  I dated one of his ex’s exes.  He also has a girlfriend.

Tonight he confessed something to me, the confession was something he’s stated once already, but it was followed by a “I’m secretly in love with you.”  To which in real life, I started screaming bloody murder.  (Which I still feel like doing, but I can’t because my throat is sore from earlier’s freak out.)

So now I am pretty much sitting here in self pity, which is probably a very bad place for me to be.  He and I share a lot (AND I DO MEAN A LOT) of the same thoughts, feelings, ideals, opinions, likes, wants, needs, tastes, and hates.  I can have a conversation with him without feeling like a single celled organism, once you get past the “I wanna make out with you” and “You’re cute” comments.

I can’t have what I want and I keep my attraction for him on the back burner and our friendship on the front.  I have a feeling that if I told him “I want you.  I need you.  Come get me.”, he would probably leave his girlfriend.  I don’t play that so that’s one thing that makes this awkward.  Another is the fact that I can’t fathom us being together.  It would be like sucking face with my clone who is 6 years older, male, and stupid.  But, the bad thing that makes it so hard is the fact that my body responds to him like it has no one else.

Its a feeling that comes with sexual tension.  I always feel it with him and its been the highest ever with just him than any other male.  Normally I can hide it with no problem from guys, but with him my face flushes red, I look away, and the rest of my body starts to heat up like I have a fever and I never sweat.  I’m not one to play submissive, but the intensity in his eyes is like heat from a lava flow.  I just can’t help but look away.  Afterwards, when the feelings are gone and he’s not around, I feel like I’ve thrown myself down a flight of stairs.

I feel like I’ve been punched in the face repeatedly with brass knuckles.  I still don’t know what to do these some odd years later.  This sucks.

What a day, what a day.

Its 2 hours and 7 min into my best friend’s birthday.  Happy Birthday to her, and I hope it gets better for her.

Three things have happened thus far, 2 which affect me, and the 3rd affects us both.  I’ll save the worst one for last.

First, I walk into the kitchen to make me some hot cocoa.  I hear a weird noise on a metal penguin tin I left up after Christmas.  I look and there’s a palmetto bug or water bug or over a 1 inch long American cockroach.  I have no idea how it got in, but it was on the counter on the other side of my dishes.  It didn’t move fast so I assume it was cold.  I think I roused it from its hiding spot by moving a big fucking cement block in front of my back door when I went to get some old glass drink bottles from back in the day before the 80’s.

The second involves the third, so you’ll understand in a little bit.  I started crying and I got a nose bleed.  It didn’t last long, but it made me cry even more because of who I was crying over would laugh and call me a big baby or a jerk or something to that affect.

Now for the water works and the reason for the tears…

For those of you reading, I’ve already stated I play an internet game set up like a chat room.  I got news that a good friend is leaving it.  Out of the blue.  I was never around when he was stating leaving it before, but from what I heard, he didn’t do much about it then.  The only contact is through email, and that’s only for maintenance for this blog.  He’s probably reading this right now.  If he is, SORRY FOR BEING A JERK. :)

I feel like I’m going to be sick.

I can’t help but feel a little bad.

So…  I play an internet game and its basically like a big chatroom, but you can rp on various maps.  I hang out on one of the more chatty ones.

Well.  Through partially my fault, and his, one of my friends has left it.  He’s deleted me off facebook and myspace and I can’t help but feel slightly bad.  Its uncharacteristic, but when he wasn’t throwing fits to get his way, he was a decent person and a good friend.  He won’t even reply to txts.

Because of something I did, he bitched me out and I bitched back because of where I was and who I was with.  After that, nothing.  He just disappeared.  I later get news saying he’s left pretty much everybody clueless as to his whereabouts and I ugh.

Shit.

I honestly never meant for this to happen, but I wasn’t the only player in this little quarrel to cause it.  I didn’t force him and I didn’t make him go apeshit.  That was his own doing.

But I still feel somewhat bad.

Fuck.

Even when its fake, you can’t help but feel bad.

Ever do something that is so…  What are the words…  Comfortable and fun maybe?  Well, ever do something that made you feel good about yourself and then see something – even though you know its fake – and can’t help but feel like you’re something you have come to loathe as you’ve walked through life?

Well, that’s happened to me.  I can’t explain it, but it makes me uncomfortable.  I hate the girl and was wronged by the girl and I watch the girl act like a spastic whore.  But when I see the joke, I can’t help but feel like a 4x4 piece of lumber has slammed me in the face with exposed nails.  It takes my mood down and makes me unhappy and I withdraw because I don’t want to feel like that nasty bitch that splits people apart.

He’s clueless, but that’s fine.  Even if he reads this, he probably wouldn’t understand – hopefully she won’t also.

Oh well.  I’m going back to being sick for New Years.  What a lovely start to 2010.  Good luck to you all in the upcoming year.

Cigarettes.

I want one so bad.  Not fiending for it, but I need it to relax.  Sadly I’m badly allergic to them and cigars.  Weed is just out of the question.

There’s a certain issue that’s driving me bat-shit crazy.  I’d go more into detail, but I don’t know who reads my blog and if said person finds out about any of this, I’ll go lay down in the middle of Lake Michigan in the middle of January.

I can’t get him out of my head and its making me sick.  The first couple of times things popped into my head I got sick.  Like bad sick.  I feel that if I took up smoking, I would feel better and not care.  Bullshit.  I’d get lung cancer from my first puff.

Maybe I should be a nun.  Then I can swear and get kicked out of the sisterhood of penguindom.  As many times as I have taken God’s name in vane over the past 4 days, I’ll probably burst into flames as soon as I step inside the church.

God damnit.

Yesterday sucked.

It started at about 5 or 5:30 am when I had a dream about someone I NEVER WANTED TO HAVE A DREAM ABOUT LIKE THIS.  It was very adult themed and I woke up screaming and flailing and I fell out of bed because of it.  It was not a good kind of scream or a good kind of flailing.  I’d have much rather dreamed Freddy Krueger was chasing me, but then again that’s a good dream for me.

From there, every time I tried to sleep I was rather frightened to close my eyes so I just stayed awake.  Around noon, I went and took a shower.  For some ungodly reason, I had a flashback to his face from a previous situation and I threw up in the bathtub.  The expression stayed with me the entire day and its still there.  I see it when I close my eyes and it takes all the power in the world to keep me from puking.

After sleep deprivation and boredom set in, I go next door for Sunday dinner.  We watch a movie and eat and then we decide to go out.  We hit up Wal-Mart and the stores around it and have fun.  As we are in one of the stores, I start getting bitched out via txt and my night is just shit all over with no remorse from the other person.  (To which, I would like to thank because it just dragged down my entire fucking night.  I really enjoy being bitched at for my own actions.  :D  Thank you!)

After a couple hours, shit calms down.  As we are leaving Wally World, this guy with electric blue hair and corn rows (which they didn’t look bad on him) sees me.  I see him.  We make eye contact.  I have in my neon extensions.  As my parents and I are approaching the door, he slows down to talk to me and to wait on this very much older woman he is with.  He keeps looking back at me.  I can’t help but smile.  As I walk past, he compliments my hair and I compliment his.  Dad shoves me out the fucking exit and I don’t get a name, much less time to compliment him back.

Pissed me off.  He was about my age, had nice manners, good hygiene, had all of his teeth and they were pearly white, dressed well.  God damnit.  I feel like crying.  I got no name, no number.  He got no name, no number.

Thanks everyone who gave me shit and made yesterday seem so wonderful.

But non-sarcastically thank you to those who checked up on me.  LOL  That was entertaining from the txts and the call.

WTF, God?

WTF.  Why do you hate me so?

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH

The finger of blame from someone not doing their job.

Sometimes getting out of bed should be like putting on flip-flops.  Other times, it seems that getting out of bed was the most horrid mistake of your life.

Lets say...

You get up and start the day with the greatest of easy.  You're happy.  You get a shower.  You hack up your lungs for only 2 minutes this time so you know you're getting over your head cold of a week and a half.  Maybe you stop to look at yourself in the mirror and Wow!  You're losing weight!  Its a great day!
After that, you check your MSN.  Your best friend wants to go do something adventurous!  Yes!  You're all for it! Something new to break the mundane!  Hallelujah!  She comes over as you're eating and you both seem to be pretty happy about things.  Oh!  What is this?!  A love interest wants to hang out later?! AMAZING!

You and your best friend go and find the place, walk around it and joke.  You leave and you go to the park. Its a beautiful day outside. You're both happy for once, not a care in the world. You get a text on your BFF's cell from that love interest. He's bored? He's coming to meet you two with some of his friends?! HOW STUPENDOUS!

You meet up.  You joke around.  You scare one of them and you all have good laughs.  You all pile into the SUV and go riding around.  After a few hours, the lot of you go back to someone's house and just relax.  There's laughs and giggles.

You hang out for a bit and its time to take your BFF back to her car.  You, the love interest, and the BF get in the car and head back at about midnight.  Her mom's called a cell.  Her mom's called your house.

You get back to your house neatly placed directly beside your parents' and your mother is sitting outside in her bathrobe and pjs waiting for you.  Your dad is inside your house using your MSN to talk to whoever you were with.

You wind up getting lectured about the ordeal, basically told it was your fault, called irresponsible, and that you don't have an education.  So, in turn, once again, Rome's mighty and epic fall is your fault.
You sit and think back as you're typing out your day into an internet blog to see if you are going insane from the vicious cycle of finger pointing in your direction from every possible angle Life has.  You realize that not only is it repetitious, you feel that you got the shit end of the stick in every way and there's nothing you can do about it.  You watch as you start to slip into a depression from all this oppressive behavior at the age of 24 from your parents.

Apparently its your fault you can't find a job in a shit economy where major corporations are laying off people that have been there for decades.  Also, it was said that you were acting spoiled and rebellious. Oh dear.  Can't have that, especially when its NOT happening to being with.  Oh and the house you're living in, apparently you can't call it yours.  You don't pay rent.  Its just a fancy prison cell.  Yet, you have no idea how life works.  Anything you have done amounts to anything.  Everything you have learned is nothing but ignorant babble.

Thank you, Rome, for forcing the blame on me. You bastard.

A wrench in the works.

Ever go through something and you sit there wondering "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!"

Be it pictures of the past or letters that apply to current situations or videos that make you do double takes.  It all feels like a sledge hammer to the face when the realization sets in its really fucking stupid or its really over or its a screwed up situations and a bloody mess that not even all the bleach in the world could clean up.

I'm not just talking about "Boohoo!  My boyfriend left me."  I'm talking about "HE DID WHAT?! WHILE THIS WAS GOING ON?!" or "I can't believe our president just sold us out like a chump." or "Seriously. She said all these things and look what happened.  Washed up and in the gutter at the age of 20."

By that time, the headache has already set in and is slowly turning into a migraine that makes your entire face hurt.  It turns red from the force of blood and pulsates like some magic stone in an anime.  Eventually you can't take anymore so you go outside and let out a long blood curdling scream.  Just as soon as you get inside, your parents are over and your neighbor is there with his revolver that shoots hollow points (you would know this because he's told you about 40 times already).  When you try to explain what happens, everyone thinks you're going senile at a young age and slowly leave you to your brooding.

Once again, your mind starts to dwell to the monkey that's closed fist beating your skull into a pulp to get to the slimy mush inside called your brain.  Then you feel a pop and a snap.  Finally you have totally lost it and you want blood.  Since murder is entirely illegal, you sit there and stew in your unhappy circumstances for days or weeks.

Those glorious minutes ticking away by the constant loud tick tock on the wall.  Is that second hand giving you the middle finger? Nah. You're just losing it. Get a grip.

By the time the shit has settled from hitting the fan from repeatedly bouncing back from the walls, you think its all over.  Everything is finally going smooth, too smooth.  Then it hits you like a sledge hammer to the face.  The stupid road block decided to transplant itself like the Great Wall of China.  Now what?