School Girl Crush Part 2.

So against the better judgment of someone and myself, I went and saw him at his place of work.  I could feel the pit of my stomach drop anxiously when I asked my cousin if the person behind the counter had fake blond hair and facial hair.  She said yes and I almost threw up on myself.  She laughed when I screamed in frustration and lit up a cig as she got out of her black Volkswagen nicely dubbed “Black Betty”.  Kayla is just smooth and cool like that.

I walk toward the door, but the particular one I went for was locked so I had to walk to the other one.  I think he saw me then.  When I walked in, he was busy with a customer and I didn’t acknowledge him, so I went and grabbed a soda out of the back.  From behind me, I hear “HEY YOU!”  When I turned around, I wanted to fucking cry.  He looked like a puppy that has been chosen to go home from the pet store.  His eyes had as much happiness in them like a dog who is excited to see its owner after the owner’s been gone for a while.  If he had a tail, he would have wagged it vigorously.

Like the nasty little bitch I am, I walked up one of the aisles he already had mopped and did my best to play cool and not slip and fall, but these shoes apparently have good tread.  He said “Do you have to walk up the wet part?”  “Yes.” I said coolly.  He said “Meanie.”  I said “Yep.”

I paid for my soda as we chatted.  He told me jokes and seemed to like it when I laughed at them.  He told me about the stupid people that walk into the convenient store and we acted like smartasses to each other.

I managed to get a hug from him before I left.  This is the part that doesn’t make it any better.  It was one of the most secure hugs I have ever had without someone dying or having to console someone in tears.  I smelled him and he smelled delicious.  I am sure he smelled me too because I heard and felt him give a deep sigh.  We held it for a little bit, probably longer than we should have and went back to talking.  When I saw my cousin on her blackberry, she waved me out.  Her mom had called and we needed to leave.

So.  That was that.  I feel like a big stupid fucking pushover.  I shouldn’t have gone.  It made it worse.  SO MUCH FUCKING WORSE.  I wanted to rape him behind the counter, but I seriously doubted he would have minded considering another thing he confessed two days ago was wanting peel my boxer shorts off me that one time we played this dirty adult game when I was 19.  (There were more people playing and not just us.  Its called 7 Deadly Sins.  Look it up.)

After I read B’s comment below, I have tried association with negative things.  My libido and my mind are equally matched in this war.  Even with the propaganda he states that my libido might be sending, my mind sends just as much to my libido.  I am never going to get over this.  I feel it is hopeless, utterly bullshitily hopeless.

I also found out, and I don’t know if this is good or not, that my cousin that works across the street at Bi-Lo frequents the store.  Mathiu thinks he knows him.  I feel like I’m going to vomit and I want to lay down and die and never leave my damn house.

Fuuuuh.  Anyways.  This is what he saw when he saw me for the first time face to face after 3 or 4 years.



This was taken immediately after I got home from seeing him.  Yes, my face was still red and I assume it was read red the entire time.

I wish something would stop trying to fuck me with the hot poker and find someone else to screw with.



This is the fucking douche bag.

Sad isn’t it?

Almost shameful on my behalf to have these feelings for him.

At least he looks into my eyes and not at my chest when he speaks to me.

(By the way, in that pic, he's dressed up as a Final Fantasy character for Halloween. So chill. It was the only good one of his face I could get.)