My icy adventure…

Bird watching!

Ok.  So.  This bird is gorgeous!  What is it?!  It looks like a female blue jay, but it was going into a nest woodpeckers had been going in and out of.  Is it a woodpecker?!  I DON’T KNOW!!!

Cthulhu in Love

THIS IS FUCKING BADASS!  OH MY GOD!

 

I WANT!

 

http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/collectibles/d2cd/

Dude… TODAY IS AWESOME!

I woke up with a stiff back, BUT IT FUCKING SNOWED, DUDE!  FUCKING!  SNOWED!

Anyways.

I went outside to take pics.  I got feet from a lady goldfinch!!!!! LOOOOOOOK!

Plotting and planning

(Today’s word is “fuck”.)

Ok.  After much debate and switching back and forth and probably to the tiresomeness of my blog readers, I have decided to go forth with my venture and come out of my comfort zone to convince a mother fucker that I really fucking like him and I don’t give a God damn what he says about himself.

I know a lot about him and enough about him that I should be able to go on with this.  He believes me after a conversation we had, he just doesn’t “fathom why”.  I can’t really convince him of the why, because I tried, and he still calls bullshit.  So I have to show him otherwise which means on some physical level.  Don’t worry, I have a pretty good feeling that I can get what I want without having to go to extremes.  It should be fun!  The next time I talk to him, I have to think of what I’m going to say.

In other news…

I am writing a book.  Again.  I picked up a story that I had left off on.  I just have to figure out where I left off at.

I am writing another thing for myself so when I feel like shit, I can go back and reference a lot of what’s in it for an ego boost.  I can’t explain what it is because for a lot of you its probably really fucking stupid.

I’m also working on finding yarn to make dreadfalls.  This should be entirely fucking fun!  With as many extensions I have in various different fucking colors, I should be able to make some dreadfalls that go in a piece at a time and fucking wear them with my extensions and add to the image!  YEAH!  I already got bitched at by Mom about it.  (24 and getting bitched at for making yarn into dreads.  I mean seriously.  Its not real dreads.)  ANYWAYS!  I just gotta find my materials.  I will post pics if they turn out!  YAY!

FOR ONCE!  I had no nightmares last night!  I had a fucked up dream that I can remember vaguely, but it wasn’t a nightmare.  It was a murder mystery, so I am happy.

What else am I doing…

OH YEAH!  IT FUCKING SNOWED!  I will have pics up later, but for now, fuck it.  Its bright as fuck outside.  I have to shower and then I might go out and run around like an idiot in the weather.

Also, I have come to the conclusion I need a sugar daddy.  Real badly.  Preferably a guy that can’t get it up anymore so I don’t have to worry about feeling some protruding thing that shouldn’t be there.

BTW, peanuts are good.

That’s it for now.  I think…

Hod Damngit.

What the fuck is wrong with me getting some fucking sleep and not dealing with this god damn shit?!

GOD!

I AM GOING TO THROW MYSELF DOWN A FUCKING FLIGHT OF STAIRS!  THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!

BULL

FUCKING!

SHIT!!

Ok. What had happened was…

I wrote a reply back to Mathiu and it was rather…obvious that I was irritated but in actuality, I’M FUCKING PISSED!  As soon as I hit send, BAM!  An MSN window popped up from some douchebag that lives in the area that keeps trying to date me (and tell me what I am and am not feeling and what everything I say means), but 22 is not something I want to go back to in age.  Like 4 seconds after that, I got a Myspace chat window!  BAM!  Guy in Louisiana confesses his feelings for me, but he’s taken.  That’s too far away anyway.  THEN!  Just moments after Jake popped up, MATHIU POPS UP ON MSN AND SENDS ME A MESSAGE!

I’m fucking irate and pissed and homicidal.  We wind up camming.  Nothing dirty.  Just sitting there staring at each other.  He explains that he does believe me, but he can’t fathom it.  Which is fucking rank ass bullshit.  That pisses me off even more.

But I can’t stay pissed at him for long!  I TRIED!  I wavered!  I successfully stayed pissed!  Oh did I stay pissed!  Everything he said, I butted my head back and guess who has the harder head!  ME!

At one point he said that I should go visit him at work and we could go into the freezers.  I told him he’d be hard up and blue before that happened and when it did, he’d come out worse off than he already was.  I really REALLY fucking like him against my fucking will.  I had 8 mother fucking days to deal with this shit.  I THOUGHT I HAD!  NOPE!  SURPRISE!  GOD!  That is bullshit.

 

 

So I was in the bathroom shortly ago.  It suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks.  When it does, I almost faint.  Then I mouth the word “love” and I throw up.  Then I said it out loud and I wanted to die.  I think I am in the throws of puppy love.  I have every symptom.  The thought makes me want to stab myself repeatedly with a broken bone I ripped out or off of me.

Yes.  I know, I bitched earlier about this, but I figured it would be for someone else.  BUT NO.  When that asshole popped back up tonight, I wanted to puke.  I got out of bed to read a message that I could have let go until this moment or even longer!  But I wanted to read what he said.

So I was a nasty bitch when he signed on…  I wound up winning, but now he knows.  It was an awkward while, but we’re adults.  We’ll deal with shit.  BUT FUCK!

WHY THE GOD DAMN COMPLICATIONS!?

Why I sound like a dying engine right now in in real life…

Ok.  So.  If you’ve been tuned in.  You  know what’s been going on in the past week.  So if my typing and grammar are entirely fucked up, here’s why.

I was peacefully asleep.  I woke up to txt messages galore.  I don’t know why I got em all at once.  But one stuck out the most.  It was from Myspace saying that I got a response from that cunty mother fucking bastard.  On the 8th and a half day of silence from him…  I got a response to my message…

“im not actually sure whether to believe this or not :/
if its true then im speechless,
otherwise i think im pretty much speechless.
but yeah ive been so busy with work and all that ive had little time for anything else.
it was definitely good seeing you the other week though. you should come by more often :)

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT!?  I POUR MY FEELINGS OUT TO HIM BECAUSE I WANT CLOSURE AND I GET THAT LITTLE MOTHER FUCKING PARAGRAPH!  GOD DAMNIT!

What I said was:

“I know you've not been online for the past few days and I know I already messaged you

once, but I felt this one was more important than just checking up on you.

Remember when you stated that you've had a thing for me since forever and how you felt

that I hated you?  Well, its quite the opposite.  I've felt this way for some time now

and I figured that since you were brave enough to tell me after all the mean things I

have said and done to you, that I would respect you and tell you as well.

I've liked you quite a lot since probably the 2nd time I've hung out with you.  I did

notice when you flirted with me, but I was shyer than I am now.  It was all new to me

and that was the only way I could react.  It was wrong.  I've never hated you and I

feel like such a heinous bitch for how I treated you and for that I apologize.

That night Patricia ripped your boxers off, I wanted to look so damn bad, God only

knows how damn bad I wanted to look, but I couldn't.  I rather enjoyed that night to be

honest with you.  I was just too scared and the look on your face was intimidating to

even peak over that pillow once I let you go.  You intimidated me a lot, more than you

could ever know.  That's one thing that's attracted me to you; not to mention we share

simular tastes, ideals, and opinions.  You do still intimidate me, but I've grown quite

fond of it also.

Any time I was around, I found it hard to look you in the face when I spoke to you or

when you spoke because sometimes you would stare right at me and I could feel my face

turning red.  I have never liked blushing.  It makes me feel so vulnerable so to speak

and that was why I never looked directly at you.  There were times where I couldn't

stop myself from staring.  I don't even know what was going on at the time, but you

could never see it.  I feel like such an idiot now.

You will not believe how many times I wanted to tell you over the years, but when we

lost contact, I felt like it was too late.  I wasn't even sure if you still felt the

same way about me so I kept it hush-hush when you found me again.  I was rather shocked

when you told me what you did and that's why I could only ask "Why?"  I should have

told you then, but once again.  I'm too shy for my own good and I need to break that.

I figured I would tell you the truth and see what happens.  Now that you know,

hopefully you won't die of shock.”

I MEAN REALLY!  REALLY FUCKING REALLY!  WHAT DIETY OR FORCE OF WHAT THE FUCK EVER FATE THERE IS FOR HUMANITY DID I PISS OFF?!  I think I was a rapist in a past life or some bullshit or Jack the Ripper.  THIS IS GETTING TO BE SO FUCKING TIRESOME AND BULLSHITTY ITS NOT FUNNY ANYMORE!  But I sit here laughing, laughing at my luck for all this shit.

I think I’ve gone apeshit finally.  I think I belong in that padded room if I find this funny to laugh so hard I can’t breathe and my ribs cramp.

FUUUUUUUUUH.

Pestilence

This is just basically a bitch fest and pity party.

Today my parents are celebrating being together for 33 years, today 33 years ago was their first date.

Its a happy occasion, don’t get me wrong, but its kind of hard to be happy when I feel like I’m left out of this little group of happy people sharing happy times with someone they love in that kind of manner.

I have 6 cousins and an older brother.

Hanna is dating.

Kayla is dating.

Keith is dating.

CJ, the youngest at 12, is chatting it up with girls.

Chris is “dating”.

Cliff is married.

My brother, Eric, is married.

My aunts have significant others, the two that are unattached are dating.

My neighbor across the street had his girlfriend spend the night last night.

I mean seriously.  After last week, I want to become a recluse and hide away from people.  Its bullshit.  I feel like the embodiment of Pestilence.  I just need my white horse and I will just be full of win.

With the dreams I’ve been having lately, I wouldn’t be surprised if I got smacked in the face by a horse and told “GET ON I!”  Fuuuuuuuuuh.  I mean really.  Really really.

Another nightmare

I keep having nightmares lately, no reasons why.  The only time I get sleep, its the worse sleep I could ever get.  Last night I slept 12 hours and I woke up feeling awful.  I had two very vivid dreams that I could have lived without.

 

The first one.

This one takes place in the middle of nowhere where dairy farms are a frequent, but far between.

I was with two men who would go in and inspect the farms to make sure they were up to standards.  I was just a trainee.  They were nice.  I remember one’s name being Will and another’s being Frank.  Will was about 40 with 2 kids.  Frank was a bachelor at 36.  I was myself in age and stature.  We were called to go inspect a farm where the owners haven’t been heard from in a while.

It is dark when we get there, for whatever reason why, and oddly silent when we get out of the truck.  We see several barns and several animals walking in a pasture.  We approach the first barn.  There are no cows.  We approach the second and that is where I see the most horrific sight I have ever seen in real life or in a dream.  The cows were eating each other.

They just stood there staring at us as they chewed the others like grass.  Their eyes reflected from our flashlights.  We slowly start to back up.  Will bumps into something and I into him.  When we turn around to see, a cow is standing there with an arm hanging out of its mouth.

Slowly they start to move in on us.  Frank picks me up and tosses me into an unopened pin that leads into the pasture.  I take off running for my life towards the truck.  From behind me I hear blood curdling screams from the two men.  I stop in my tracks and turn around.  I see Frank being taken over by cows who are just eating anything in their path.  Will is beating on them with his flashlight before he is overtaken.  I turn back to run for the truck when I see a little figure running across the pasture toward me.  Its a little girl.

I run at her and I grab her up.  We manage to get to the fence and I pick her up and put her over.  I tell her to run for the truck.  She runs and makes it, locking the doors and huddling in the floor board.  From behind me I hear hooves.  I turn around and 3 cows are coming at me slowly.  The others are dead laying on the ground with Frank and Will in the barn.  I start climbing the fence and I make it over.  The cows stop at the fence.

The cows stare at me briefly.  One turns to a smaller one.  It kicks it over and breaks the fence.  The cow lays there making God awful squealing noises from a piece of metal post sticking from its ribs.  The other cows come across, one stopping to graze on the fallen.  I run for the truck, but its being harassed by 3 more cows.  The little girl is screaming.  I start screaming.

I jump up and down and start waving my arms in the air to get their attention.  They ignore me and topple the truck.  I watch in horror as they break the windshield and start feasting on the girl.  I stand there not believing what I see and I just start running for the main road.  Behind me I hear a stampede.

I manage to make it to the road.  No cars are coming.  I run along it for a while.  I still hear their feet against the cement behind me.  My body starts to tire so I stop to catch my breath.  Shortly after, a big rig turns a corner.  I dive out of the way.  I hear tires screeching and I turn to look.  He hit the cows.

The big rig jackknives and falls over, skidding across the road and blocking that direction.  I start to relax as I see pieces of cows flying and parts crunching from under the pressure and weight.  I lay down where I’ve fallen and catch my breath.  As I go to stand up, I feel heat on the side of my face.  I turn my head and there it stands.  The mangled face of the cow that pushed that other over the fence.

Then I wake up when my phone goes off saying I have a txt.

 

When I go back to sleep, I have another nightmare.  I can’t stop having them for some reason!  I don’t eat before I go to bed.  I feel like I’m trying to be desensitized humanely or something.

 

The second dream.

I was in a high rise office building pushing a cart.  I made my way to the 67th floor and I’m wandering around collecting packages and delivering junk I don’t care to know about.  Its in the middle of the day, but the power goes out.  No one pays much attention.  Then the fire alarms go off.  People start looking around in wonder as to what’s going on.  I keep doing what I’m paid to do as people look at each other and out of the windows.  People start whispering and then the screams start.  Someone’s walked out of the stairwell on our floor covered in blood.  I look as the man stands there catching his breath.  He then collapses.  Two other men from our floor move him from the door and go to look out.  We hear feet quickly running up the stairs.

The men run back in and try to hold the door, screaming for someone to get something to block it with.  We start moving desks and furniture in front of it.  We successfully keep whatever is out there away from us.  The fallen man is carried to a sofa in the mean time and he’s not hurt.

We listen as more screams come from above us.  People have started falling from the upper floors with people eating them as they fall.  We watch helplessly as they hit the ground.  Below on the sidewalk, people are being chased by other people and eaten in the streets.

Then the power turns back on.  We all stop in our tracks and stare at the elevator doors.  They ding open.  Horror strikes our faces as 5 mutilated people run out snarling.  The nearest ones are taken down easily as they scream.  The man that was on the couch grabs me and a couple others and drags us into a closet with a sturdy wooden door.  We cover our mouths and just listen as everyone outside is massacred.

When the noises stop, one tries to reach for the knob, but he stops the guy.  He covers his lips with a single finger.  We wait a while longer.  We hear the groaning and shuffling of feet outside and a large crash.  Glass is shattered and furniture is battered as they look for more food.  Then the loudest silence we’ve heard in our lives.  We could hear each other’s heartbeats.

Slowly we get to our feet and grab whatever we could use as a weapon.  Our savior moves to open the door.  We stand silently for a what seems like a lifetime.  He opens the door and slowly sticks his head out.  The floor is entirely empty.  A warm breeze blows in from the broken windows.  The stair case is uncovered.  The elevator doors are wedged open.

We slowly step out.  A soft groan is made from under a desk.  We halt our steps and look.  A survivor.  We pick her up and set her on a couch.  I see to her as the men and the other woman barricade everything back.  She has no scratches or bites, just bruises.  She’s just frightened beyond repair.

I leave her to her rest and we stand at the broken windows, kicking plate glass out to the ground below.  There are bodies everywhere.  From behind us, we hear the crunching of bones.  Slowly we turn and something we missed is eating the poor woman’s arm.  Apparently she died from fright for we heard no screams.  We charge it and it charges us.  We beat it to death and throw it out the window as well as her body as it starts to convulse.

We look at each other.  There are 5 of us on the 67th floor of a high rise with the sun going down broken windows.  The night will be cold, but the stock rooms are closed in with secure doors and there are bathrooms.  The lounge was freshly stocked with sodas, water, and food in the machines that morning.  There’s food in the cupboards and a coffee machine. 

Little did we know that one of the supply closets had zombies stuck in it.

I wake up in the real world, as my body is being devoured in the dream, in such excruciating pain.  My head is pounding and I can barely breathe.  I slept weird and I start coughing.  I roll over as my body pops and stretches out to lay on my side.  3 minutes later, I get up to start my day with the vivid gore and grotesque images plaguing my mind when I blink.

Flashing High Schoolers on a Bus

I did that.  In real life.  It was entirely accidental.

Its 7:42 am.  I just got out of the shower and I was in a  towel.  I came to the PC to check messages.  I turned around and tripped over a shoe.  Off went the towel.

The chair behind my PC chair swivels.  It turned and I steadied myself with it.  I looked up to see a bus going past and the curtains wide ass open.

I hear “Nice boobs!” from the bus.

So Fucking Embarrassed…

The man, the knife, the dream

Not many things scare me in my dreams, very rarely do I have a nightmare that freaks me out extremely well.  Normally I can take control of them and turn them around to my liking, but sometimes the dreams are too vivid…almost realistic to do that to.

This one was a scene set in a dark room about 15 feet by 15 feet.  The walls were dark with grunge and dirt and age.  The light was a low yellow, but over the autopsy slab, they were bright like the sun.

The metal was cold against my skin as was the stale air that filled my lungs.  I was the one strapped to the table.  My legs at the knees and ankles were bound.  My arms at the wrists and elbows losing circulation from the tightness of the leather straps.  I was stuck to that table with no way of getting out of it.  The buckles were under the slab of surgical steel that I laid naked upon.  It almost seemed as if the hide just came from the bull, but it was me bleeding from where the bindings were cutting into me.

I had on my glasses, I assumed so I could see the horrors that awaited me more clearly without him having to lean in about 3 inches from my face.  Above the lights above me, there were polished mirrors nailed to the ceiling.  I could see the dim dirt floor from wall to wall.

Along the wall to my left, a counter went from corner to corner.  Across it was an array of various rusted and shining metal blades, chains, tools, etc.  They were all displayed neatly on brand new white towels.  Even the counters looked pristine.

Along the wall to my right, a double basin sink, a washboard, and neatly stacked totes full of clothing and personal items.  I realized then that I was probably more than the 100th person to be in that room to not make it out alive.

From what I could see above my head from the mirrors, there were several curio cabinet filled with human skulls, each decorated different with deep scratches, holes, and scars from the torment that awaited.  In the left corner, a grand wooden door with iron hinges and handle sat forebodingly comfortable in the middle of all this fear.

At my feet, I could see clearer than what was above my head.  Hanging from nails, hooks, and screws along from ceiling to floor to corner to corner were his creations from his sessions.  Paintings of women in scandalous poses painted from blood with human skin as their bodies matted to canvases framed with bone.  There were framed pictures from old 35mm cameras with victims’ faces frozen in horror and pain long after their death.  Each face stared at me as a warning, one that I could no longer heed.

As my eyes were scanning the room, the wooden door started creaking.  The wood’s thick as its forced open.  The hinges rattle at the walls from the support about to give out from the load.  I move my head to see my captor a bit better, causing a cramp at the base of my skull.  What I was able to see without the reflection of the top of his head was a black latex apron going from his shoulders down to his ankles.  His face was covered in a gas mask much resembling the one I own in real life.  He wore a hole worn brown sweater and black baggy pants.  His figure was firm, with a little hard fat around the shoulders and gut.

At this point, things get kind of weird and extremely unsavory so I am going to leave them out.

When he is finished with the things I left out, he takes his precious time moving over to the counter space.  He picks through his instruments until he chooses a long curved knife that looks like its used for skinning.  Slowly he starts to peel my skin off until there’s nothing from the exposed areas.  The pain is excruciating.  He then walks over to the side with the sink with my skin and places it in the sink with warm water.  He picks up a bottle of lemon dish detergent and turns around and stares at me.

The detergent is smeared all over my body where the muscle and fat is showing.  I scream until I’m hoarse and my throat is dry.  No more screams come from my throat from this moment on.

Gradually he cuts away pieces of me with no regard for anesthesia.  The last thing I remember about the dream is going black listening to him hum this weird tune I remember hearing once before.  Then I wake up in a cold sweat.  I was only asleep for 10 minutes.

Zeromancer – Dr. Online

 

 

 

 

They are better to me than Orgy is.  If you like Orgy, that’s all well and good, I just like Zeromancer better.

Glue adhesive

Things are starting to pile up and the pages of my life that I thought I had figured out are starting to fall away as the glue thins.  A few things have been brought to my attention and I can’t help but feel a little bit stabbed in the back over.

I know I lied when I said I wouldn’t be posting as much in the next few days, but between being unsatisfied with angry music, destroying something with a hammer, screaming angrily at the top of my lungs wishing for that lightning to have actually hit me, having my heart ripped out of my chest by my own doing in order to move on with life, and sobbing non-stop when I am in private, its rather complicated not to sit here and write it down.  Even if any of the readers find it stupid, its mine and I do it my way.

I’m use to people kicking me when I’m down so I should not exactly be surprised upon hearing a few things about a few situations.  Because of this, my fun is ruined.  My ideas of some people have been flushed down the shitter.  I’m starting to become quite comfortable facing the negative and not finding any light in any situation.  I know there is at least one of you that might read this out of curiosity to see what is going on and shake your head.  Well fuck you.  Not everyone sees the golden rays of sun shine in the middle of a hurricane.  Even when the eye passes over for a fleeting moment, the storm comes back again.

Last night I sat down and took a look at myself, friends, and my “friends”.  I find that I am entirely too trusting in people.  I should not be, but I always thought that giving someone the benefit of the doubt was a human thing to do.  WRONG!  Its the equivalent of letting in the mother fucking Devil.  I’m better off pouring red brick dust in front of all my doors and putting a circle of salt around my house.  Certain people wedge themselves deep under your skin like a tick.  When that happens, you can only pull them out with a knife and hope you get the head too or else you get an infection.  Once they are out, you burn them.  You let them pop and listen to them hiss like the parasites they are.  They’re opportunists and will wrong you any chance they get for personal gain or for some sort of satisfactory release (AKA orgasms galore!)  Good friends don’t choose one side over the other if supposed friends are quarrelling.  They stay the fuck out of it until both sides of the story is learned, unless one person is not there to defend themselves, they tell the other person to knock it the fuck off.  They also don’t dally with an ex after they told you nothing but shit about him/her.  They also don’t call/txt/pm someone and tell them complete and utter bullshit THAT’S NOT THE GOD DAMN TRUTH TO BEGIN WITH!

Some people on the other hand are actually worth having around.  Even if they don’t agree with everything you do, they voice it politely one adult to another instead of yelling at you like a parent and acting like you’re fucking stupid for how you feel.  The people that encourage you and say “Even if I don’t like the situation you get yourself in, I will help you in any way I can.  Just call me and I will see what I can do.” are true friends.  They come and help when you’re getting ganged up on.  They bail you out of jail.  They come get you when its late at night and you have a flat tire.  These people are a handful out of billions of leeches and ticks.  They listen to what you have to say and offer a shoulder.  You, supposedly being a good and fair person, offer them one in respect.  That is how it is done, not take mother fucking take.

As for myself, I have thought about many things.  I am mean to a lot of people, but most deserving and some not.  I offer a shoulder, a word.  I don’t reveal secrets for blackmail.  You wrong me first and give me the equivalent of a shotgun blast to the chest, then the gloves are off and its bare-knuckle fighting.  I do have a habit of talking about people behind their backs, but sometimes its unavoidable even if its not right.  I have lied about things before in the past, but I was still mostly a teenager.  Lying now is just a stupid game of gain until you get busted.  Then what?  You deal with the mess you fucking made.  Its a part of growing up that people can’t grasp.

Because of stupid teen dramas and how people behave on TV, everyone things its natural.  Its about as natural as a whale raping an elephant and giving birth to an otter.  You don’t shit on people to make yourself feel better, especially if that other person could possibly ruin you with pictures, txts, voice mails, etc.  Its a chance, but it does happen a lot.  The fact that most people believe that all this drama and lying and back stabbing and using maliciously is normal proves that they should never have been born.  Their parents should have been beaten with heated iron rods and left alongside the road.

I wonder how many people that I’m talking about are actually reading this.  Yeah… If you are, I know about it.  If you have the balls to do it, you have the balls to deal with the consequences.  Even if you get VD, they have cures for most venereal diseases…  AIDS on the other hand.  God luck with that one.  I solute you for whoring yourself out.  Even if you get laid more than me, I have enough self respect not to throw myself at dick or pussy to win someone’s affections.  Its probably fake as shit anyway.  Another is Death, but we won’t go there will we?  Never wish death upon someone.  It might take you instead.

Lightning is bad.

About a half hour after I wrote that other blog, I got word that there was a tornado warning and cells headed my way.  Like a genius, I put on clothes and went back outside.  I was standing there for maybe 10 minutes and then I saw white and I stopped breathing.  I heard the thunder from the strike.  It was like a roar.

Pogo was outside.  Before the strike he kept acting crazy.  He would run to me and meow and yowl and run up to the porch and then back to me.  He was up on the porch when it hit and I was on a the bottom of a hill with part of the house between me and the strike.  I had my back to it.  He had the entire house between him.  He was fluffed up, but otherwise seemed ok.

My pulse is fine, my chest still kind of hurts, my breathing is back to normal.  The right side of my body kind of hurts though, but I think I’ll be ok.  Its probably from adrenaline and panic.  My ears aren’t throbbing either.

The greatest hours of my life…

Were not spent among company, animal, or technology, but with nature.

It has been raining off and on all day.  At first I did not pay much heed to the wind blowing the rain against my window like a young lover tossing pebbles to wake his infatuation from her slumber.  I played music and when the wind bellowed louder over Bach, I could not find myself fighting the call no longer.  I felt the wind beckoning me to come out and play.

I changed into a T-shirt and a pair of shorts and stood at the door like a young bride on her wedding night.  I stepped barefoot onto the wet cement outside and let my toes wiggle in the water.  The warm wind blew the rain against my cheek as if offering a gentle kiss of assurance.  Hesitantly I made my way down the steps.  The lights reflected off the puddles on the ground and danced with the wind as it revolved over it.

The water was cool as it soaked into my shirt, the wind blowing against it pressed it closer to my skin like a lover’s embrace.  I nestled myself into my neighbors’ swing strategically placed between the properties.  I leaned back and let my face feel the cool water beating down as the wind gently rocked me.

I do not know how long after, but my eyes started to swell with tears.  The warmth as they streamed down my face steamed against the coolness of my body and the air.  I sat silently with the sound of water running from the creek and the gentle hum of the interstate beyond the woods.

I never heard the claps of thunder nor did I care.  For how ever long I sat there quietly by myself, I felt like I was afloat  with the wind carrying me away and the water bracing me for the journey.  The lightning woke me from my silent solitude with a display of aerobatic light across the sky.  The clouds travelled fast, making a lovely backdrop.

The sky was painted as only as a master could make it, flashes of yellow and white light, shades of grey, black, and various blues.  But it was this one pause, this one single moment that stands out most of all.  The clouds parted as if Moses himself were still raising his arms.  Through this small gap in all of this beauty, the moon peaked out.  Though it was no where near being full, it shown brightly than I remember through the hole with such extravagance.  The higher clouds that could have been nothing but white were swept in the yellow hue.  Then a flash of lightning cut across the sky.  In a blink, the moon was tucked away again for the night.  For a fleeting moment, I shared the greatest beauty I had ever seen in such circumstances and I felt glad that I was there alone to see it.  As selfish as it may sound, I felt like it happened for me.

I stayed out there for a while longer, watching the rain twirl in the wind and the trees dancing on the horizon.  I have never felt so relaxed, so at ease in all my life.   For a brief moment I found out what it was like to feel pure happiness and to forget everything.

When the world suddenly came into focus by the sounds of sirens, I knew that my sanctuary was no longer as it was.  I sat there quietly for a brief moment longer feeling like a fool.  I stood, dripping with water from every inch of my body and made the slow steady climb up my wet steps.  I could still feel the sting of warm tears and they still pour.  They will for some time, but I have those long hours spent in bliss to keep my heart company and cradle it for this lonely adventure to come...

Fuck you.

Sorry if my grammar is off more than usual or I misspell things.

I don’t think I’m going to post blogs as often as I have been for the next few days.

This is harder than I thought it would be, but not many people seem to understand.

Giving up something you want most in life, something you want to spend time with for a good chunk of it, is probably one of the hardest decisions to make, even if there doesn’t seem to be much hope.  Probably not as hard as choosing which kid to let go of in a tsunami so you can save the other one.  Probably as bad as having pull life support on your parent, child, sister, or brother.

But it might feel like it.  I’ve never had to make those decision, but I can imagine it would be just as horrible if not worse.  I’ve had a few days to think about this and I don’t care what anyone says whether it was right or wrong or what other things they want to say about it.  If matters like this were easy, there would be no pain in the world.  People wouldn’t feel much of anything, even if happiness was a universal.

I have snot dripping from my nose and tears soaking into my shirt.  If any of you say something like “become stronger not weaker from the shit life throws at you” or bitch at someone for fussing at someone else for a bad joke, get your priorities straight.  I might be mean.  I might play a nasty game of being a bitch, but I still have feeling.  Even if my heart doesn’t seem to beat nothing other than ice, I still have one and it still has cause to twitch now and then.

I’ve learned my God damn lesson.  Learn your own.

School Girl Crush pt. 3

Late last night or early this morning, I realized what I need to do.  I decided to break my own heart.  I figured that if it gets broken anyway, I’d already be there so nothing would change.  Or.  If something good happened, I would be surprised by life for once.  Don't get me wrong, these feelings I have are still there, but they're caged and probably about to be put down within the next week for good.  So don't worry, I won't find myself in any situations I shouldn't be in.

Either direction it decides to take, I’ve already confronted the fact that nothing is going to happen.  I feel a lot better crawling into my cave like Gollum.  It amazes me how easily I can automatically go to the negative and feel instantly better when I’m unhappy.  I guess that’s one thing that makes me me, Little Miss Negative.

I should be diagnosed as borderline emo or something.  Oh well.  Its been done and successfully too.  I don’t check my phone anymore for messages.  I don’t expect anything.  I shouldn’t have to begin with.  The day anything works out in my favor is probably the day the world ends or I die or I just go insane and its all just a giant hallucination.

In a day or even by the end of this one, I should be back to my usual self.  Sorry guys, for putting you through this.  Just shows much you love me and how much you care.

Smitten? Infatuated? Lusting?

Its something.  Whatever it is, its pretty bad.  It has me anxious enough that I can barely keep anything down, but my stomach needs something to grind.  The anxiety of waiting is keeping me awake to all hours of the night until my body runs down to the point of passing out no matter where I am.

I feel heartbreak and heartache in my future, but somehow I can feel it coming and I’m not surprised.  My body almost relaxes when I think about being heartbroken like its trying to warn me of something, but there are so many battles and wars being fought with just myself over all of this, that its rather complicated to pick out what is real from the mess.

I have been feeling ill from natural causes for the past few days.  I’m certain the anxiety I feel from various different emotions aren’t helping one bit.  Because of this, I have been oddly fatigued and I slept almost the entirety of the day.  The 2nd time I managed to go lay down, I found a hair…  A blonde one with a brown end.  It was a traveler from a few days ago when I gave him that hug.  How it got on the pillow where another person would sleep and I would often wake up looking for him, I don’t know.  I found myself screaming for some reason and I just passed out.

After 3 days and not hearing a word, I’ve started to push my hopes down.  I have a feeling that they are going to rise back up with a fury and then slowly start to diminish again.  I need to something.  What, I don’t know.  How, I don’t know.  When?  Yeah.  If only I had everything else figured out.

Cheers.  Here’s to the heartache and the pain, but the fun times in between.  Make it last, make it matter, make it memorable for the here after.

Shotguns in Stickam

Wally11: hey want to get naughty with me?
kostchtchie: I'd rather get naughty with a shotgun.
Wally11: nice
kostchtchie: Murder's pretty heinous.
Wally11: haha
Wally11: i like your style
Wally11: can i watch you and that shotgun :)
kostchtchie: Depends.
Wally11: what's your conditions?
kostchtchie: On how much of a mess I feel like making and if I need help.
Wally11: lol
Wally11: ill help!
kostchtchie: Also depends on how old you are.
Wally11: 18
Wally11: you?
kostchtchie: 24.
kostchtchie: Yeah. You can't be involved with murder.
kostchtchie: You're too young!
Wally11: LOL
Wally11: NOO
kostchtchie: If you were my age and up, maybe.
Wally11: aww
Wally11: no fair
kostchtchie: That's life. ;)
Wally11: 18 24 what's the difference!
kostchtchie: About 6 years.
Wally11: LOL

“That other woman”

What a horrible title.  Why would anyone want to put themselves in a position to be referred to as that?  Well…  I think I have.  I won’t go into specifics if you don’t know already.  I am sure I’ll get reprimanded and badly by some of you for this.  Everyone has a list of things that they regret.  I haven’t slept with anyone, mind you.  I’m not that stupid at least.  But.  Other things can happen…more adult things.

The internet is a curse as well as a blessing.  Many good things come of it, but the bad follows shortly.  It seems that when I try to make a personality change at the beginning of each new year, something is thrown into my lap by some sort of force.  I can’t get a breather between the bad things that happen and I am the type of person to dwell on things out of anger.

I am at a loss for what to do.  I have tried my damned hardest to avoid being in a situation to earn that title.  Now I believe its charged at me like a pissed off rhinoceros and impaled me in the heart or in the brain for being so god damn stupid.

I’m at a loss to fix this problem.  I guess I could just avoid him, but that is going to be so complicated.  I might just have to do that.  Force myself to, maybe get some peace for once.  This is going to give me ulcers if I don’t have one already.

I need to get out of my own life because I’m so damn stupid and I believe people.  I need to stop giving people the benefit of the doubt and just flat out dislike them and find them automatically untrustworthy from the get go, no matter how long I’ve known them.  People change all the time.  Unless proven otherwise, fuck trust.

God help me.

Stickam freaks.

justafreak: hey yo busy?
justafreak: you?
kostchtchie: What do you want?
justafreak: u busy?
kostchtchie: Depends.
justafreak: ok fine...u into cute freaky guys with  cams?  lol n yeah im totally serious....ever seen a guy who can self suck on cam?
justafreak: or that pretty much gonna get me booted?
kostchtchie: I wouldn't do that here.
kostchtchie: Nor say that to the hostess.
kostchtchie: And I have seen it and I'm not interestd in freaky guys with cams.
kostchtchie: I prefer freaky guys irl.
kostchtchie: Sorry.
justafreak: so u never seen a guy who can self suck n has a dildo who has a cam?
kostchtchie: Um. Not into dildos in that way.
kostchtchie: Now if you could stick it in your penis, I would see that.
justafreak: what if i fucked a dildo n i could suck my own dick on cam?
kostchtchie: Yeah. I don't want to see that.
kostchtchie: I'd rather watch you stick it in your dick hole.
kostchtchie: I prefer self mutilation.
kostchtchie: And that's pretty heinous.

http://www.stickam.com/viewMedia.do?mId=186946850

Fuck you, Valentine’s Day.

And fuck you love and couples and other shit.

All god damn day long, there have been nothing BUT fucking love songs!  GOD!  Even at the worse time possible.  I almost threw up…several times tonight actually.

ESPECIALLY THIS SPECIFIC MOMENT WHEN A CERTAIN PLACE WAS PASSED AND THE ROLLING STONES – LET’S SPEND THE NIGHT TOGETHER PLAYED BOTH FREAKING TIMES!  Fuuuh.

Not to mention the 3 fan boys I had following me around at Bi-Lo.  One would smile shyly, thank god his mom kept us away from each other.  These other two would stare and do things to get my attention and when I would look, they would smile and wave and one even stated I was “cute”.  FUCK THAT WORD.

After we left, there MORE FUCKING LOVE SONGS IN THE GOD DAMN CAR.  Then we went to Wal-Mart after we unloaded those groceries.

I had an old man ask for my number, a black guy tell me I had a nice ass he’d like to tap, a couple of Mexicans asking me to call them “Papi”, and fat creeper that doesn’t respect body space ask me if I was married and if I wanted a boyfriend.

FUCK.  THAT.

Its bullshit.

 

 

I also got into a fight with a black chick, by accident.  I was turning the corner to get some pads and I bumped into her.  I politely stepped to the side and said “Pardon me.  I’m sorry.”  She got all uppity and in my face.  Then she hit me with what she was carrying…  A package of Depends…  If some of you don’t know what that, is adult diapers.  I fucking cracked up laughing at her and doubled over into the floor.  I had eyeliner pouring down my eyes from laughing so hard.  I shouted “YOU’RE 15 WITH ADULT DIAPERS!  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” and she just walked off.

 

 

Then I got the 4 large 60 count packages of pads and matched from one end of Wal-Mart to the other.

This kid was like "Mom!  LOOK!  LOOKIT!  LOOK WHAT SHE'S GOT!"  That woman went to smack her kid and said evilly "I TOLD YOU  TO BEHAVE! THAT'S THE LAST TIME I LET YOUR FATHER TELL YOU ANYTHING!"

It was rather busy and every guy parted like Moses raised his arms.

Ever wonder…

If you did the right thing?  Like…I don’t know.  I don’t know how to state this without giving too much detail.  Let me think…

…

…

…

Ok.  Say you did something that you weren’t suppose to do, but you enjoyed it and no harm was caused by it.  It was harmless…But.  Depending on what it was, do you think it was right?  Whether it was swiping your spouse’s car while he/she is asleep, sneaking out at the age of 20 something from your parents’ house, sharing an intimate moment with someone that you probably shouldn’t have but you wanted it, or wrote the answers down in a text book to all the tests at the end of the chapter or even wrote down the test answers on the desk for the next kid in the following class.

Probably not good examples, but given that most people are adults when some of them occur, except the last two, do you think that maybe you did the wrong thing?  Maybe that spouse will wake up and freak out and call the cops thinking you were kidnapped?  Or the house could catch on fire and your parents think you’re still inside and suffer until you show up or go in and try to save you?  Or you could become that other person, that fabled other that is labeled a home wrecker or “That son of a bitch.”.  Maybe the dumbass needed to learn those lessons in the book.  Maybe it would have saved him a lot of issues on a job later by knowing and studying what was in the book in school.

I don’t know.  I have mixed feelings.  Maybe its lack of sleep talking, even different things people have told me.  Its…I…Hm.  I’ll have to see what happens.  Probably nothing will happen at all.  Probably no one will say a word for a while about anything and that will be the end of it.

Sucks.  I hate being an adult.

Black Lab – This Night

I was sent this video by someone who knows me well.

I love the lyrics.

And its true too…

 

Confessional…

Sort of…

I did what most would think is a bad thing and I’m not telling anyone.  Only 2 people know, besides myself of course.

No one else will find out and I will keep it this way.

I guess the readers will be in “What the fuck happened?” mode for a little bit.  I know people will inquire, but even if they do, I won’t tell them.  Its better that way.

NO I DID NOT HARM MYSELF!  If I had, it was probably by accident and it would be a bruise on my elbow or knee or something.

So…  Yeah…  I HAD FUN and proved a point and I was fucking bitch ass mean cruel!  Just like God made me.  :D

I would also like to point out again that I am not telling anyone what I did.  LIVE IN MYSTERY!

School Girl Crush Part 2.

So against the better judgment of someone and myself, I went and saw him at his place of work.  I could feel the pit of my stomach drop anxiously when I asked my cousin if the person behind the counter had fake blond hair and facial hair.  She said yes and I almost threw up on myself.  She laughed when I screamed in frustration and lit up a cig as she got out of her black Volkswagen nicely dubbed “Black Betty”.  Kayla is just smooth and cool like that.

I walk toward the door, but the particular one I went for was locked so I had to walk to the other one.  I think he saw me then.  When I walked in, he was busy with a customer and I didn’t acknowledge him, so I went and grabbed a soda out of the back.  From behind me, I hear “HEY YOU!”  When I turned around, I wanted to fucking cry.  He looked like a puppy that has been chosen to go home from the pet store.  His eyes had as much happiness in them like a dog who is excited to see its owner after the owner’s been gone for a while.  If he had a tail, he would have wagged it vigorously.

Like the nasty little bitch I am, I walked up one of the aisles he already had mopped and did my best to play cool and not slip and fall, but these shoes apparently have good tread.  He said “Do you have to walk up the wet part?”  “Yes.” I said coolly.  He said “Meanie.”  I said “Yep.”

I paid for my soda as we chatted.  He told me jokes and seemed to like it when I laughed at them.  He told me about the stupid people that walk into the convenient store and we acted like smartasses to each other.

I managed to get a hug from him before I left.  This is the part that doesn’t make it any better.  It was one of the most secure hugs I have ever had without someone dying or having to console someone in tears.  I smelled him and he smelled delicious.  I am sure he smelled me too because I heard and felt him give a deep sigh.  We held it for a little bit, probably longer than we should have and went back to talking.  When I saw my cousin on her blackberry, she waved me out.  Her mom had called and we needed to leave.

So.  That was that.  I feel like a big stupid fucking pushover.  I shouldn’t have gone.  It made it worse.  SO MUCH FUCKING WORSE.  I wanted to rape him behind the counter, but I seriously doubted he would have minded considering another thing he confessed two days ago was wanting peel my boxer shorts off me that one time we played this dirty adult game when I was 19.  (There were more people playing and not just us.  Its called 7 Deadly Sins.  Look it up.)

After I read B’s comment below, I have tried association with negative things.  My libido and my mind are equally matched in this war.  Even with the propaganda he states that my libido might be sending, my mind sends just as much to my libido.  I am never going to get over this.  I feel it is hopeless, utterly bullshitily hopeless.

I also found out, and I don’t know if this is good or not, that my cousin that works across the street at Bi-Lo frequents the store.  Mathiu thinks he knows him.  I feel like I’m going to vomit and I want to lay down and die and never leave my damn house.

Fuuuuh.  Anyways.  This is what he saw when he saw me for the first time face to face after 3 or 4 years.



This was taken immediately after I got home from seeing him.  Yes, my face was still red and I assume it was read red the entire time.

I wish something would stop trying to fuck me with the hot poker and find someone else to screw with.



This is the fucking douche bag.

Sad isn’t it?

Almost shameful on my behalf to have these feelings for him.

At least he looks into my eyes and not at my chest when he speaks to me.

(By the way, in that pic, he's dressed up as a Final Fantasy character for Halloween. So chill. It was the only good one of his face I could get.)

School Girl Crushes ARE FUCKING BULLSHIT!

WHY!?  I MEAN SERIOUSLY!  COME ON!  As a female, I have enough shit to deal with!  BUT WHY THIS?!

Tonight a person I have known for about 7 years contacted me on Myspace.  I pray that he never finds this blog or else it could make things more complicated.  I think I am typing this because I need to get it off my chest and maybe, just maybe, it will alleviate some of the need for screaming and vomiting.  But we started talking in the chat window thing.  Something up there hates me.

It moved from the Myspace chat to MSN.  There he showed me his tattoo on his ass that I didn’t believe he had gotten.  His ass wasn’t hair, it was clean, and I wanted to bite it.  :(  I was so glad my cam wasn’t on.  I’m sure my thoughts shown across my face.  All I could think were extremely adult and rated X for a reason so I won’t share them here.

There is so much complication involved, I know emotions already are but this is different.  I know almost all of his ex girlfriends.  His ex wife was a good friend of mine.  I use to babysit his children.  I dated one of his ex’s exes.  He also has a girlfriend.

Tonight he confessed something to me, the confession was something he’s stated once already, but it was followed by a “I’m secretly in love with you.”  To which in real life, I started screaming bloody murder.  (Which I still feel like doing, but I can’t because my throat is sore from earlier’s freak out.)

So now I am pretty much sitting here in self pity, which is probably a very bad place for me to be.  He and I share a lot (AND I DO MEAN A LOT) of the same thoughts, feelings, ideals, opinions, likes, wants, needs, tastes, and hates.  I can have a conversation with him without feeling like a single celled organism, once you get past the “I wanna make out with you” and “You’re cute” comments.

I can’t have what I want and I keep my attraction for him on the back burner and our friendship on the front.  I have a feeling that if I told him “I want you.  I need you.  Come get me.”, he would probably leave his girlfriend.  I don’t play that so that’s one thing that makes this awkward.  Another is the fact that I can’t fathom us being together.  It would be like sucking face with my clone who is 6 years older, male, and stupid.  But, the bad thing that makes it so hard is the fact that my body responds to him like it has no one else.

Its a feeling that comes with sexual tension.  I always feel it with him and its been the highest ever with just him than any other male.  Normally I can hide it with no problem from guys, but with him my face flushes red, I look away, and the rest of my body starts to heat up like I have a fever and I never sweat.  I’m not one to play submissive, but the intensity in his eyes is like heat from a lava flow.  I just can’t help but look away.  Afterwards, when the feelings are gone and he’s not around, I feel like I’ve thrown myself down a flight of stairs.

I feel like I’ve been punched in the face repeatedly with brass knuckles.  I still don’t know what to do these some odd years later.  This sucks.

Stickam…again…

***: well I live in florida
***: on the west coast

 

 

WHAT THE FUCK! OMFG!  I AM SO TRYING NOT TO DIE LAUGHING AT THIS BECAUSE I’M TRYING TO BE NICE!  BUT HOLY FUCK!  IF YOU LIVE IN THE US, ATLEAST TRY TO LEARN YOUR FUCKING STATE LOCATION!

 

This is the guy.

 

Stop. Hammer time. TO THE FACE.

I find myself growing more and more tired of the people around me.  There are a few who I still adore, but some I want to bash in the face with a hammer and use the claws to squish their eyes.

It irritates the fuck out of me how smarmy people are and how they call you friend to your face, but act like a damn fetid cunt when they want to.

SO…

AND STOP BEING A LYING CUNT!

 

 

 

                                                    

PS, that pic is fucking funny.

What a day, what a day.

Its 2 hours and 7 min into my best friend’s birthday.  Happy Birthday to her, and I hope it gets better for her.

Three things have happened thus far, 2 which affect me, and the 3rd affects us both.  I’ll save the worst one for last.

First, I walk into the kitchen to make me some hot cocoa.  I hear a weird noise on a metal penguin tin I left up after Christmas.  I look and there’s a palmetto bug or water bug or over a 1 inch long American cockroach.  I have no idea how it got in, but it was on the counter on the other side of my dishes.  It didn’t move fast so I assume it was cold.  I think I roused it from its hiding spot by moving a big fucking cement block in front of my back door when I went to get some old glass drink bottles from back in the day before the 80’s.

The second involves the third, so you’ll understand in a little bit.  I started crying and I got a nose bleed.  It didn’t last long, but it made me cry even more because of who I was crying over would laugh and call me a big baby or a jerk or something to that affect.

Now for the water works and the reason for the tears…

For those of you reading, I’ve already stated I play an internet game set up like a chat room.  I got news that a good friend is leaving it.  Out of the blue.  I was never around when he was stating leaving it before, but from what I heard, he didn’t do much about it then.  The only contact is through email, and that’s only for maintenance for this blog.  He’s probably reading this right now.  If he is, SORRY FOR BEING A JERK. :)

I feel like I’m going to be sick.

Why you never give cats ham…

      The orange one is Lil’ T for Little Tiger or Little Tigger.  He’s my next door neighbor’s cat.

       The grey and white one is Pogo.  He’s my cat.

Mormons.

You know the type.  They ride around on bikes or in cars in groups of 2 – 4 wearing white button up shirts and dress slacks.  Well.  Two of them came to my door.  Scaring Mormons is so damn fun.

When I opened the door, I was wearing this shirt…

  And by the time they left, which they didn’t stay long, I assume I did a nice job of scaring the crap out of them.  I had on my eyeliner, dark eye shadow, and hair extensions.  They caught me as I was trying out a hairstyle.

  They just kind of looked at each other and then at me and then at each other again.  They looked about 19 – 20 years old.  They stated they would come back later.  They never knocked again.

  Later as I was walking out to go next door and wash some laundry, I found a card on my storm door for the Book of Mormon.  It made me laugh, but the picture on the front was awesome.

  Do not worry, I won’t join up because of a picture.  Scaring people is so fun.  Why did I ever stop trying?  Oh yeah.  The people I use to hang out with.

  God I love me some In Flames.

Whoopsie! My bad!

Damn.  I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas!

Maybe I wrote something to Hardees's management about two of its workers at a certain store.

Maybe I dropped their names.

Maybe I hate those workers.

Maybe those workers fucked me over.

Maybe those reasons I listed are the right reasons.

Maybe they should wash their hands after smoking.

Maybe they should take into consideration that a lot of people are allergic to what is in cigarettes and by eating residue from the nicotine (which is used as a pesticide), their allergy could be worse than just being around it.

Maybe they shouldn’t fucking come to work hung over and bitch about doing their jobs.

Maybe one of them should fucking bathe more than once a week.

Maybe one of them shouldn’t act like a raging whore and lay on her back and open her crack and let someone fuck her silly.

Maybe they shouldn’t talk about adult things around children and say some of the big vulgarisms like “cunt”.

Maybe they fucked with the wrong person because that person could call in a few friends to report on a couple of things as well.

Maybe common sense should dictate better manners, but from all the drinking and drug use they do, they fried those brain cells beyond repair.

This is possibly a confession of my guilt, IF I FUCKING FELT ANY! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

I hate people.

I really do.  A necklace I saw in a pic and remembered I hadn’t worn in a while is missing.  I really hope it turns up.  I am sick and tired of my stuff going missing.  I know I have a lot of things, but they are my things.  My property.  Not up for grabs to nasty little bitches and whores and cunts that come into my house.

There’s not much I can do considering a lot of it happened before last Thanksgiving and the cops wouldn’t look into it.  If the moms talk about it, there’s no telling what will happen.  I can understand the other mom getting pissed because her daughter might be getting slandered, but its truthful.  Also there is the fact that maybe it wasn’t all her and it was mostly the other fat dumb cunt that came around.

To be honest, I want to beat the shit out of both of them.  I want to take their heads and smash them with a bat.  I never have really hated someone so badly before in my life nor have I wanted to kill so badly.  I guess if something happens to either of them, I’m going to get brought in as a suspect because of the things said in this blog, if I am investigated.  I highly doubt it.  I didn’t do it, but I’ll be laughing my ass off in front of the cops.

Oh well.

Riddle me this…

My internet goes off at the same time at about 5:20 am.  Sometimes restarting doesn’t work, sometimes it does.  I am getting 2 other wireless feeds which I assume are from businesses.  I want to know why.  I assume the drop of network is because Dad has turned his PC off or something.  Earlier we had to reinstall the drivers in order for it to pick back up, but it works fine on my laptop.  WHY!?

Its getting frustrating and its pissing me off and it never use to do this, NEVER!!, until the beginning of the year.  I am so frustrated with it and so god damn pissed.

 

 

P.S., Bill, you still need to tell me about your trip.

I can’t help but feel a little bad.

So…  I play an internet game and its basically like a big chatroom, but you can rp on various maps.  I hang out on one of the more chatty ones.

Well.  Through partially my fault, and his, one of my friends has left it.  He’s deleted me off facebook and myspace and I can’t help but feel slightly bad.  Its uncharacteristic, but when he wasn’t throwing fits to get his way, he was a decent person and a good friend.  He won’t even reply to txts.

Because of something I did, he bitched me out and I bitched back because of where I was and who I was with.  After that, nothing.  He just disappeared.  I later get news saying he’s left pretty much everybody clueless as to his whereabouts and I ugh.

Shit.

I honestly never meant for this to happen, but I wasn’t the only player in this little quarrel to cause it.  I didn’t force him and I didn’t make him go apeshit.  That was his own doing.

But I still feel somewhat bad.

Fuck.

Pogo the Glutton.

I love my cat.

Stickam!!!!

When we weren’t waiting for the Ninjas anymore, we got up to some stupidity!

And my favorite:

AND WE ARE STILL THERE!!!!

Ninja Burger pt 3

We realized its not real, but it was fun and hilarious waiting to see if home slice would get some food.  LOL  Oh well.  Read the fine print. ;)

Ninja Burger pt 2

We are still waiting until it is about 7:20/7:25 my time for home slice’s food.  Until then, read these:

http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/mlia+ninja+burger

Dude.

It has been brought to my attention how badly I need a sugar daddy.

I want these!

And now I’m blacklisted…

I have a whole other list of awesome stuff I want. :(  Dammit!  SERIOUSLY!

Upon further thought…

The whole god damn situation is hilarious.  I mean the shit these people respond to my stuff with is pure gold.  It would be hard to make up a lot of this, like the fact he believes his girlfriend gave up her virginity to him when she and I had an in depth conversation about when she gave it up once already.  That just means he has a bigger dick than the first guy.  The fact that I am thinner than his girlfriend is also hilarious because I’m a fat something or other.  I don’t even remember.  I’ve been floating with this in my mind all day about how fucking retarded teenage stoners are.  It never fails that there is further proof that someone shouldn’t have been born.  Especially when it thinks that I leave my doors wide open and unlocked and the only things that are taken are stupid stuff.  Yeah, I’m that lacking in brain capacity to realize that leaving the doors unlocked in this day and age when I’m not home is probably a bad idea.  Oh well.  Its been done.  A bridge burned.  Once again I feel like I am all the better for it.

 

On a much happier note, I got asked for my number and I seriously doubt he’ll call me.  But, gotta take the chance.  Never know what’s on the horizon.

I’m a lesbian because a 19 year old stoner said so.

AWESOME!  I am so tempted to reply with “LOL” and leave it at that because that is pure gold dumbassness right there. LOL

 

From Jodi:

well for one i dont have a car so your basically wishing i was in an accident and for me to die, you know while i currently have both of my grandparents in the hospital kinda puts me in a worse mood than i already am. you have NO right talking to me this way, i was just joking about shit in letters previous, to be honest hate me or not, i could give a fuck less. angel is a piece of shit, her boyfriend is a piece of shit, and to be honest im starting to think your just like them. i tried to do the right thing and be friends with you, but fuck you jane. i could give a fuck less if you like me or not. oh noooo jane the lesbian doesnt want to be my friend <:(  big deal. fuck you, and fuck angel. your all the same, fat dikes. fuck off.

Also from Jodi because he wasn’t finished:

and as far as for all of your junk, you live in the fucking ghetto, so maybe it could be the fucking people who live around you stealing your shit. lock your doors, and quit hoarding your shit. and olivia said you  left some spider clip thing in angels car. but believe me, call me a theif or not, i wouldnt want any of your poor people nerd shit. im a collecter as well, but not of useless crap and childish bullshit. how about growing up. i collect shit thats actually really worth money, not fucking fantasy cartoons.

My goals for 2010…

I’ve been sick since the first and mostly sitting around on my ass doing nothing.  I decided to make a goals list, even if some of them are extremely far fetched and will more than likely never happen…but its worth dreaming and thinking about right?

 

1)  Buy or own a bowler hat.  I have many many hats, but I do not have a bowler.  Bowlers are sometimes mixed with fedoras, but I like the actual bowler hat better…

 

2)  Become dictator of Russia.  They thought Putin was bad?  I’d be damned for the lowest pit of Hell for what I’d do my first few months of running the country.  Many MANY men would be imprisoned or dropped in the middle of Siberia to fend for themselves.  Plus I already have the hat…

 

3)  Add to my heeled shoes.  So far I have goth boots, goth boots, suede boots which need work or else they would look piratey, and some badass fuzzy zebra Mary Jane pumps.

 

4)  Pet a boar.  Don’t ask me why.  I have wanted a razorback warthog or a boar as a pet lately.  I think its to feed people to…and probably something to do with number 5…  But not for hunting.  Nono.

5)  Get a gun permit.  See what I can do about getting a pistol grip shotgun…

 

6)  Try to stay out of prison and jail…  It will be an extremely complicated feat, but since platypuses are real and be very poisonous, I can do this.  

7)  Pet a platypus.

8)  Get a mother fucking job!

9)  Go on an epic adventure.  I’m not talking LOTR or Narnia or Wonderland, I’m talking do something that leaves me guessing what will happen next in good ways and not fearing for my life in instances of stupidity.

10)  Be a little bit more bolder and a lot more blunt.  (AKA Do not talk about fight club.)

 

That is all.

Opinions welcome

The…monologue below is in response to a couple of things that have happened since the last time I have spoken about A and O.  They can all shove it and smother on it.

 

“Think of me how you want after you read this because frankly, I don't give a fuck.

I feel like a big war is on the horizon.  Between you two contact me and Angel and all the fucking god damn bullshit that's come up between then and now, I'm not really wanting to be anyone's friend.  I've become extremely hostile toward both parties and I don't know whether either side is being truthful or if this is all one big funny haha and you're both sitting there together.  I can tell you and I warn you in the most blunt non threatening way possible, do not show up at my house, ever.  If an ax murder is chasing you to kill you, stay the fuck away.  If you are in a car accident and your arm is lost to oblivion and you're bleeding profusely, stay the fuck off my door step.

The weed was bad enough.  But yesterday, I came home to find a used pad that was attached to my toilet tank on the bottom had fallen into the floor.  The only reason why I didn't smell it was because I clean my god damn bathroom every other fucking day.  Upon further inspection, THERE WAS ANOTHER ONE!  Now.  You may think it was me, but I have more class and taste than to put my used god damn pads under my own fucking toilet.  I put them in the god damn trashcan. Imagine that one!  In the trashcan!  Gasp!  They both had wings on them too!  That explains why I had no pads around Halloween and why Angel sat there and wouldn't do me the favor of taking me or letting her brother take me to get pads.  WOW!  I must be a big god damn fool!  But kid you not, if you come near me don't expect a friend.  I've had it.  With the entire fucking thing.  If you even speak to Angel at any point whatsoever, I don't give a shit who did it, tell her to step off.

My things that are missing (and I am very VERY TERRITORIAL ABOUT MY THINGS, ESPECIALLY MY FUCKING COLLECTIONS) are two packs of AA batteries and AAA batteries, the skull bracelet that I always wore with the 3 skulls on the leather strap with the buckle clasp, a studded bracelet, a few of my bootlegged DVDs (but those are replaceable) Love Actually was a real DVD and not exactly easy to find in my price range, a skull necklace, a brown necklace, some of my band patches, a couple of my anime DVDs like Kiki's Delivery Service but I got it for Christmas (someone got mother fucking lucky), my spider clip that I made and only wore once, my skull barrettes, a samurai figurine, $10 of my Christmas money went missing (and that makes me see red because someone stole something that was for someone else), $5.50 in state and colonial quarters, and a couple of my vampire books.

If anything else has been done to my house, fess up now.  One more thing and I'm dragging other people into this because I'm fucking sick of MY OWN GOD DAMN HOUSE BEING A FUCKING TRAP.  I could have gotten seriously sick from that whore move.

I give chances, only once.  After that, fuck you and fuck off.  I was ripped off, lied to, jerked around, and used.  Stay away from me.  Every single one of you, Sorry Jodi.  Olivia wasn't exactly nice after the last time we spoke.  Strike 3.

Peace out.  Enjoy each other.  Good luck to you, Jodi.”

Even when its fake, you can’t help but feel bad.

Ever do something that is so…  What are the words…  Comfortable and fun maybe?  Well, ever do something that made you feel good about yourself and then see something – even though you know its fake – and can’t help but feel like you’re something you have come to loathe as you’ve walked through life?

Well, that’s happened to me.  I can’t explain it, but it makes me uncomfortable.  I hate the girl and was wronged by the girl and I watch the girl act like a spastic whore.  But when I see the joke, I can’t help but feel like a 4x4 piece of lumber has slammed me in the face with exposed nails.  It takes my mood down and makes me unhappy and I withdraw because I don’t want to feel like that nasty bitch that splits people apart.

He’s clueless, but that’s fine.  Even if he reads this, he probably wouldn’t understand – hopefully she won’t also.

Oh well.  I’m going back to being sick for New Years.  What a lovely start to 2010.  Good luck to you all in the upcoming year.