WHY!? I MEAN SERIOUSLY! COME ON! As a female, I have enough shit to deal with! BUT WHY THIS?!
Tonight a person I have known for about 7 years contacted me on Myspace. I pray that he never finds this blog or else it could make things more complicated. I think I am typing this because I need to get it off my chest and maybe, just maybe, it will alleviate some of the need for screaming and vomiting. But we started talking in the chat window thing. Something up there hates me.
It moved from the Myspace chat to MSN. There he showed me his tattoo on his ass that I didn’t believe he had gotten. His ass wasn’t hair, it was clean, and I wanted to bite it. :( I was so glad my cam wasn’t on. I’m sure my thoughts shown across my face. All I could think were extremely adult and rated X for a reason so I won’t share them here.
There is so much complication involved, I know emotions already are but this is different. I know almost all of his ex girlfriends. His ex wife was a good friend of mine. I use to babysit his children. I dated one of his ex’s exes. He also has a girlfriend.
Tonight he confessed something to me, the confession was something he’s stated once already, but it was followed by a “I’m secretly in love with you.” To which in real life, I started screaming bloody murder. (Which I still feel like doing, but I can’t because my throat is sore from earlier’s freak out.)
So now I am pretty much sitting here in self pity, which is probably a very bad place for me to be. He and I share a lot (AND I DO MEAN A LOT) of the same thoughts, feelings, ideals, opinions, likes, wants, needs, tastes, and hates. I can have a conversation with him without feeling like a single celled organism, once you get past the “I wanna make out with you” and “You’re cute” comments.
I can’t have what I want and I keep my attraction for him on the back burner and our friendship on the front. I have a feeling that if I told him “I want you. I need you. Come get me.”, he would probably leave his girlfriend. I don’t play that so that’s one thing that makes this awkward. Another is the fact that I can’t fathom us being together. It would be like sucking face with my clone who is 6 years older, male, and stupid. But, the bad thing that makes it so hard is the fact that my body responds to him like it has no one else.
Its a feeling that comes with sexual tension. I always feel it with him and its been the highest ever with just him than any other male. Normally I can hide it with no problem from guys, but with him my face flushes red, I look away, and the rest of my body starts to heat up like I have a fever and I never sweat. I’m not one to play submissive, but the intensity in his eyes is like heat from a lava flow. I just can’t help but look away. Afterwards, when the feelings are gone and he’s not around, I feel like I’ve thrown myself down a flight of stairs.
I feel like I’ve been punched in the face repeatedly with brass knuckles. I still don’t know what to do these some odd years later. This sucks.
The dude HAS a girlfriend, yet tells you "I’m secretly in love with you." You know what? As much as you've ever gone on about your perception of him as being your male clone, his clear propensity towards dishonorable behavior very strikingly sets the two of you apart.
ReplyDeleteAs you know, anyone who sneaks behind the back of the one they're with, to hit on you, is perfectly capable of sneaking behind YOUR back to hit on someone else.
So you gotta sit down and have a long chat with your libido, get it straightened out. Maybe train it so that when you see his eyes, you associate them with some mental image or physical stimulus that takes the power away from him and gives it back to you.
And every. single. time. he hits on you, you take charge and let him know that you find that behevior unacceptable and that you will not stand for it. If he ignores your polite warnings -- then, clearly, he doesn't respect your boundaries, so you block his tattooed heinie.